Take a breath!

I kept thinking time was getting away from me, and mentally counting up the days since the last post - hard to believe I let three weeks go by!

So - we've been busy with horseback riding, extra rehearsals, performance at the fair, fundraising for the ballet academy's fall production, preparations for school, repairs (and some more repairs) to my van, a couple of home projects, a day trip north to visit family, checking on Mom more often while her caregiver was out of town, helping my oldest daughter and her family move out of the house next door :-(

Yes, the last item on the list was hard - still is - and has been an interesting thing to experience on many levels. I tried to ignore that it was happening right up 'til the first night they didn't sleep in their beds next door, just because there was no way I could get myself emotionally ready for it to be real.  It took the kids even longer; Girlie mentioned a couple times that she was waiting to give something to her niece and I had to remind her they really didn't live there any more. It's been most of the three weeks now, and I'm less often thinking along the lines of running next door to chat, and getting used to not hearing the squeak of the gate and fast little footsteps on my porch.

Milo 7 months - 6/12

It's a good thing - shouldn't that make it easy? No; in fact, I just realized the three weeks of not writing here was a way to delay the very last reality of it, which is putting it down in black and white. And I may have just stepped away from the computer for a bit to grab a tissue. Of course we still talk every day in some manner, but I don't have access to an immediate fix of hugs from the grandkids. And no more giggles and squeals from the yard.

All right, enough of the maudlin, let's move on to the practical. When Girlie's schedule came in the mail I noticed immediately that she'd been assigned a locker. In considering for a while it seemed like a plausible way to work on a new life skill in preparation for starting high school (!) next year. I had Girlie sit down at the table to practice with a combination lock and found she could only open it on the first try about 50% of the time. I don't even want to know how that would translate in a hallway full of kids with a time limit, so no locker for Girlie. It wasn't a problem; the school counselor had assigned it by mistake and Girlie can continue to keep her things in a cubby in the life skills classroom. The problem with the combination lock is due to her dyspraxia, which is a huge variable at any time. Girlie can sit in her room and do some beadwork in a quiet, relaxed environment, but when she is stressed or in a hurry she still has difficulty manipulating buttons on her clothes. If she must have a locker at any point, it will have to be with a keyed lock.

School got off to a great start; now it's time to get all we can out of the last sun-shiny weekend of summer with one more road trip before the real extra quiet time starts for me next week. Well, it will provide the perfect opportunity to learn how to use the knitting machine a friend gave me last week...

Needs Must

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" Leonard Nimoy as Spock in 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan', 1982.

Probably one of  Spock's most famous lines, right up there with "Live long and Prosper" and "Illogical".  Captain Kirk's shaky reply was, "Or the one."  It was obvious that Spock's self-sacrifice was the only way to save everyone else.

Moms get this.  It's what we do, right?  It's the hallmark of a good mom, right?  No. In fact, it can be a sign of impending doom before becoming a (hopefully only temporarily) broken mom.  Many women are raised with a 'needs must' attitude, and the belief that we must get the job done no matter what the cost to our personal health or emotional well-being.  Otherwise, we fear being thought of as selfish or inadequate if others perceive we are putting our own needs before those of our families.

Guess what? You are not going to be capable of giving your best help and support if you are at less than your best.  Worst-case scenario, a woman can allow herself to be driven to the point of emotional implosion and/or serious illness, no longer able to provide for herself or anyone else. Yes, it sounds dramatic, but just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean it isn't happening a lot more often than we think.

There is a balance.  We need to raise our children - especially our daughters - to listen to their needs in a productive way.  Not because we want them to lie around on the couch playing video games, but because a little solitary time weeding the garden or shooting a few hoops, reading, quiet time/meditation - or knitting! - is an effective way to regroup and gather one's energies after a class or meeting.  Teach them to know what that is, and how to value it as a tool of good self-care.

If caring only for others can leave us drained and unwell, and caring only for ourselves makes us selfish, it makes sense that striking a balance is the only way to be healthy and whole. What greater gift can we give our children?

One nice way to take care of oneself is with a hot water bottle to sooth away
the aches and pains of too much gardening or yard work! This is my slightly
tweaked version of the Cabled Hot Water Bottle Cosy by Alexis Layton,
a free pattern on Ravelry!

You Just Never Know!

It never fails; about the time I think nothing changes, something changes.

Girlie is starting to get interested in food preparation and cooking. I've wanted this to happen for a long time, albeit with a few reservations due to our propensity for dyspraxia-related mishaps. Still, there is no shortage of cleaning supplies in this house!

Last week while I was gone Girlie asked Dearest to help her make noodles (meaning, 'boil some pasta'), and the household was buzzing with excitement when I came home. Most recently, she turned down a chance to go swimming and asked if she could make brownies. That was much more involved because, not only was there a list of ingredients, Girlie had to figure out how to halve them because we only wanted a small pan rather than the huge quantity the recipe makes. She even managed to get the brownies out of the oven safely. How better to celebrate such a huge accomplishment than with warm brownies and milk?

Just as a reminder that Mother Nature makes her own rules, we had a hard frost last week and lost the tomato plants in spite of having them covered. I'm not sure, but one of my hardy fuchsias may have succumbed, as well. Today, Boyo offered to go to the nursery and get replacement tomatoes, so Dearest fixed him up with money, the plant markers (as we had four different varieties) and a way to carry the plants the half mile safely home. Girlie decided she wanted to go along, and took some of her own money to buy more pansies. It's a great feeling when the kids do something just a bit out of my comfort zone and we all celebrate their success!

A timely find!

I'm pretty excited about a book I recently found on the fundraiser cart at the learning center where Girlie takes her social skills classes. I knew from the first page that this book will be invaluable.

When the weather is mild I love to be outside, and lately I've had a few quiet opportunities to sit outside knitting and listening to audiobooks. I've wondered if there is a limit to what I'm willing to knit, but no - in fact - I haven't found it yet. To that end, I have to say that my mp3 player is an important part of my life, and I'm willing to put forth some effort into keeping it safe and the earbud cords untangled.

'Untangled' is a great free pattern available on Ravelry!

What's next? You just never know!

A Disappointment, Not a Disaster...

Recently I realized how stuck Girlie can get on the subject of Lost Things (caps used for emphasis because it's a Very Big Deal!). Everyone misplaces things, so this is just a normal event, right? No; in fact, Girlie works herself up to a full-blown meltdown when something is 'lost', and is unable to think rationally.

Twice last week Girlie had major episodes of anxiety because of misplaced items. First, she was convinced that someone threw away a stack of her cards she had set aside to give to a friend. I called to her attention the only other people in the house are family members who are fully aware of how important her Bella Sara cards are, and asked her if she thought anyone would do that. Her logical brain told her it was unlikely, but her irrational self kept taking control. Instead, Girlie kept stating where she had put them, and because the cards weren't there they must be 'gone forever'. Since we were trying to leave the house, I told her the cards were definitely still in the house and we would find them, so it was a disappointment that she couldn't give them to her friend that day, but not a disaster because the cards would be found and she could deliver them next time.

The next incident was in regard to The Pup's leash. This is also a simple thing, since we know we can't leave it somewhere the dog is not, because we have to use it to take him anywhere. Again, Girlie is imagining impossible scenarios: we left it at the training event (not possible, since we had to use it to bring the dog home), or that he ate it (yes, she was serious). I pointed out that even if he could have eaten several feet of leather in addition to all the hardware and the plastic disposal bag dispenser and left no clues, there would definitely be evidence outside. If she couldn't find the leash in time to leave for social skills, The Pup would have to stay home this time; again, a disappointment, but not a disaster.

Both of the items were found in the general area of where she thought she'd left them. My role in these cases is to keep coaching, calmly reminding her to look under things and move other things aside. This isn't something that will be resolved immediately, because Girlie is usually distracted and has a very hard time with the concept of 'a place for everything and everything in its place'. We're going to be working on that for a while, I expect.

None of this seems like a very big deal unless we fast-forward a few years and imagine a different scenario: what if Girlie is in college and can't find a text book for a few days? Even if it's in her tiny dorm room, if she is unable to calm herself and look for it, she will have to deal with what she perceives as a disaster all by herself, possibly missing days of class because she wouldn't know what else to do. These situations may seem like a minor annoyance in most cases, but they serve as a reminder that it isn't enough just to make sure Girlie is doing grade-level math, or keeping up in language arts. We have to make sure she can successfully manage the things neurotypical folks might take for granted.

There is a great article on the subject here. I don't agree that the educational system is failing to prepare our kids (what are families doing about teaching these skills?); but it would be nice if more opportunities could be found in school to teach lifeskills - even a task as simple as giving a child a map of the school and asking him or her to deliver something to a specific classroom in a different building or hall would be a very useful exercise.

In any case, helping Girlie learn to calm down and realize a misplaced item is no more than an inconvenience will go a long way toward helping her to think rationally in the event of a more urgent situation - it's a disappointment, not a disaster.

Here is a great example of a knitting mishap that can be pretty upsetting to knitters. After all, there are many hours of labor in a hand-knitted pair of socks! I figure my time was well spent, even if the socks were to get thrown away, but why not just learn to darn them? So that's what I'll do. It's a disappointment, not a disaster. :-)

Everything Old Is... Still Old.

But not necessarily outdated.  I've been in 'research mode' for a few days, following up on an article written in 2010 by Maia Szalavitz.  I'm always careful to note the date of studies and articles, and attempt to find the most accurate and relevant information - so that means the latest news, right?  No; in fact, some of the books and articles I've been perusing go back several years and are still as useful as they were to begin with.

Anyway, that particular article has inspired me to try a new idea for an old challenge.  One of the problems we struggle with is Girlie's messy bedroom.  I won't imply that it's messy only because of her Asperger's, but it makes for a more complicated issue when she 'loses' something nearly every day, and is so distracted by the overwhelming clutter in her room she can't complete whatever task she was doing when she walked in.

Today, I took photos of specific areas - the usual 'trouble spots' - of Girlie's room (desk, dresser, bench at the foot of her bed, behind the door, floor in front of closet).  I'm hoping that if we are not in her room and she is focusing on the photo of only one area, we can talk about what should be in that particular space, and why it would be a good idea to tidy it. I plan to ask her to choose which photographed area she would like to work on, and then take a photo when she gets it straightened up.  We can then compare the before and after photos and find out which she likes better, and talk about how it makes her feel when she is in her room. I am under no illusions that she will prefer the 'after' just because I know I would - but in discussing it, one of us is bound to come to a better understanding.

Now, an update: mornings are going a little better this week since we had a family discussion about the need for everyone to make sure the important things are getting done in plenty of time before the bus comes.  It has helped a lot that Dearest is no longer rushing to get ready for work, himself.  Just goes to show that it pays to review the old rules occasionally and remind ourselves that they work when we observe them!

Yes, in fact, I do have this sign posted our dining area :-)

Out and About

Both kids were out and about on Saturday.  Girlie had a training event with the Guide Dog Puppy Raisers Group.  The area coordinator is a wonderful woman who has a lot of experience working with kids, including kids on the spectrum.  This was the second time she has taken Girlie without having a parent along, and she said it went very well. Boyo went to his grandma's house to do a little outdoor clean-up and then was allowed to watch cartoons with  her caregiver (a big treat, as we don't have cable!).  They weren't being taken care of by babysitters; they were out excercising their independence and acting responsibly, adjusting to what was expected of them.

Dearest and I had a lovely afternoon date that included lunch, a little shopping, and a lot of laughs.  It was wonderful, and a great chance for us to reconnect and enjoy each other on a social level; something we don't get to do very often. This problem is familiar to so many folks who have children with challenges.  One of the first things we are told as parents of kids with special needs is to make opportunities to have time away from the children. When one has been a parent as long as I have - nearly twenty-eight years - it's easy, right?  No; in fact, it's great advice, but can be so difficult to achieve!  When one has children with challenges, it is much more difficult not to be a 'helicopter mom'.

It has taken me a while, but I have become brave enough to ask folks outside the family to supervise the kids.  Besides attending the dog training events, Girlie has spent the night with a young lady who is in her social skills classes.  The two of them have the same favorite author and they've been great friends (at least on a once-a-week basis) for over a year.  When the other girl's mom asked to have Girlie spend the night I set my concerns aside and let her go - she had a great time!  When Boyo started getting more involved in ballet, his instructor suggested we let Boyo ride with him to some of the events because rehearsals and multiple performances mean a much longer day for us, as we live out of town.  Because the people involved as so familiar to the kids, and understand their issues for the most part, these excursions have been successful and we always hear the kids behaved well.

Sometimes it's hard to remember I need to be myself - my own person - even though I'm a parent of children with challenges.  It can be difficult to retain my own identity if I don't occasionally separate myself from them.  By the same token, how can we ever know how effective our teaching is if the kids are never allowed to sit for the exam?  If you have a similar situation, think about how you can give yourself the gift of personal time, time with your spouse or significant other.  Then do it. Ask.  I really have found people are willing to help.  Go on, get out and about!  :-)

Helicopter mom or not, in this photo I am in a helicopter - knitting, as usual!

The Bar

In our family, the ‘bar’ is set very carefully.  Keeping the goals separate and appropriately placed for each child is a tricky business, and I just realized my methods could stand some scrutiny.  For instance, it wasn’t until I heard a random clip of an interview with Temple Grandin that I realized we’d been neglectful in not introducing Girlie to an alarm clock.  Dr. Grandin stated that, for kids on the autism spectrum, instruction of independent living skills should start early to allow more time for repetitious teaching.

Let’s use the example of a neurotypical teen who is used to being awakened by a parent simply because the whole household gets up at the same time.  If a time comes when Mom and Dad are going on a trip, it is reasonable to think a parent could give the teen an alarm clock the day before, show him how to set it, and feel fairly certain the teen will be awakened by the alarm clock the next morning.  Would that work for a kid on the spectrum?  No; in fact, even though there are plenty of higher-functioning kids who, as older teens, are able to be on their own for a day or two, it does not happen without a lot of preparation and practice.  That’s one of the things that make it difficult for parents of kids with challenges to do anything spontaneously; without ample time to prepare and practice, a child can’t adjust to the proposed scenario.

We need to adjust the bar often; sometimes up, sometimes down.  It doesn’t really matter which way, as long our kiddos are eventually getting over the hurdle!

Here they are: my very first pair of completed socks, knitted in April of 2009.  

Knitted with KnitPicks Felici yarn in discontinued 'Gelato' colorway

These are toddler-sized; I originally set out to knit adult socks and had the first one nearly complete before tearing the whole thing out and starting over because I couldn’t live with the mistakes I’d made.  I had tried to add a bit of colorwork in the heel, so when I started over I omitted that part – lowered the bar, if you will.  I can’t even remember what happened on the second attempt, but that one was frogged, as well.  I decided it would be smart to start with Girlie-sized socks so there would be less work to do, or to undo, as the case may be, because I made a mistake on the first one.  At least I was making a different mistake and learning different lessons each time!  Finally, I decided to knit a toddler-sized pair for my granddaughter.  To get this one little pair of socks I knitted the equivalent of three complete pairs.  There was a lot of adjustment to this particular bar, but I finally cleared it!