You Wouldn't Think It...

It may surprise you to know how very, very powerful I am. Apparently I'm even in control of time, and use it solely for the purpose of making Girlie miserable.  :-(

Honestly, no matter how - or how many times - I explain it, she just isn't understanding that if she does not get out of bed when her alarm sounds, she will run out of time and have to rush to get ready for school. She can't get past being angry about it, and thinks it's my fault if she hasn't finished her breakfast.

Dearest and I have tried to explain the concept of the passage of time in every way we can think of, so I'm hoping to find a new idea. Oh, I think I just got one - really, just in that moment when I finished typing the sentence!

What if we draw the clock face and approach it with a math concept, showing the time as chunks? So, if the alarm goes off at 6:00 and Girlie doesn't get up 'til Dearest calls her again at 6:05, I draw the wedge of time as a triangle from the center of the clock to 6:00 and 6:05, to show her that five minutes are completely gone. That only leaves her with twenty; if she doesn't get up 'til the second time he calls at 6:10, she's down to fifteen, etc.

All right, we have a game plan, so I'll let you know how that works out. Just let me grab my cape...

Peer Abuse

I have a friend whose daughter is involved in a group called The Phoenix Project, which seeks to raise awareness and empower youth to rise above peer abuse.  They refer to bullying as 'peer abuse' to better describe what it actually is.

Unfortunately, children with challenges are much more likely to be victims of bullying, or peer abuse, than neurotypical kids (as are kids who are gay, transgender, or questioning). An added challenge for our kiddos with Asperger's is that they sometimes don't know how to report aggressive or threatening behavior.

While we are teaching our kids expected social behavior, we must also teach tolerance so our kids know that differences don't matter in the grand scheme of things; it is the ways in which we are alike that are far more important.  All humans have the same basic needs - aside from water, food, and shelter, we need to feel a sense of acceptance and community.

Pay extra attention to your child's behavior, and watch for signs of stress. Ask questions about how he or she feels at school (or anywhere they regularly are away from home, such as on the bus or in extracurricular activities and sports), and whether they have concerns about anyone else. Ask them if they know what to do if they see an act of peer abuse, and make sure they know what it is. Truly, a life may depend on it.

Another Lion Brand yarn free e-card

Cogitations and Observations

Recently a friend posted a link to an article about the controversy of whether cursive writing should still be taught in schools. There are some experts who would like to call attention to the role of handwriting in the overall learning process, while others would as soon see kids move on to keyboarding as soon as possible in keeping with the 'technological age'. I believe that writing isn't just about writing, and I'm glad to see there are experts to explain why.

I have nothing scientific on which to base my opinions, but I do have theories about why it's critical that students who are physically able to write should write, at least part of the time. I think there is an important connection made between the pencil and the brain that shouldn't be overlooked. Girlie has struggled with writing from the very beginning. She is dyspraxic, and the act of writing requires so much concentration there is little left over for anything else - such as remembering the question she is supposed to be answering. In the last two years she has made incredible progress with the help of her occupational therapist and, I'd like to think, some methods we thought of and put in practice.

When Girlie started third grade she had a 1:1 paraeducator, and with the increase in curriculum and writing requirements it was decided that most of her work would be scribed. At that point, the IEP team decided to increase the amount of keyboarding instruction in the hope that she would be able to do more of her work independently. Besides the physical difficulty with writing, the area in which she struggled the most was math, so that by the time she completed fifth grade she was working at about a mid-fourth grade level. Dearest and I asked to have her enrolled in summer school followed by an extra math session (which made it a short summer for her; she had only about three weeks of summer vacation) and she gained nearly a year of math skills!

When Girlie was in sixth grade, something that I'd been thinking about kept coming to surface, but I didn't know how to articulate what I was thinking, and hadn't read anything about it. We noticed that if she watched us write her math, she could sometimes verbalize what should be done, but only with prompts and rarely by just looking at the problem in the book.  If we left her alone to do the writing on a shortened assignment by herself, she either didn't do it at all or did most of it wrong.

I decided to start reading every math problem to Girlie and tell her what to write to set up the problem. It seemed as though two things happened: when she was told exactly what to write one step at a time (e.g. "Write the number 42. Now write the number 3 underneath it. Now multiply; what is 3 times 2? OK, write 6."), she didn't struggle as much or get caught up in the physically challenging act of writing. The other thing that appeared to be happening is that the math, traveling up through the pencil and into her brain, started to make sense. During the sixth grade year she moved from special ed math to grade level math with a 'booster' class. This year, she is in a regular seventh grade math class and rarely has her assignments modified. When she has math homework, she usually completes it independently.

From my own perspective, I notice the connection between the paper and my brain in my professional life when I take meeting minutes. Over the years I've noticed more and more people use a laptop to take minutes during the meeting, and I kept wondering: does it automatically simplify and streamline the transcription process? No - in fact, I sometimes have a very difficult time remembering contextual details if I missed anything, because I find I can type almost mindlessly and not pay attention! Conversely, when I'm handwriting the notes what ends up on paper is very terse and probably wouldn't make much sense to others, but when I transcribe from my notes I have complete - often word for word - recall.

Some kinesthetic connection is being made, and I'm certain that not everyone learns that way, but it's clear that Girlie needs to write to understand, at least in math. We could look at it this way: it won't be a detriment to anyone to keep teaching handwriting - both printing and cursive - in school. On the other hand, it might impede learning for those who would otherwise perform better in other subjects if they learn more efficiently by writing. Just my two cents... :-)

Win Some, Lose Some...

Between raising our own children, spending some time as a substitute educational assistant, and taking classes to learn about working with children who have ADHD/ADD, developmental disabilities, or extreme behavioral or other mental health issues, it seems like I'd be well prepared to tackle most any problem that arises, right?  Unfortunately, no - in fact, I'm constantly doing more research, reading books, consulting with other folks who might have had similar experiences, and talking things over with Dearest.  One thing is certain: all the intellectual knowledge in the world is no guarantee the problem will be solved in practice.

The first year of middle school can be challenging for any kid.  The first year of middle school for a child with learning and behavioral challenges can be really hard.  That means it isn't a cake walk for parents, either.  Currently, Boyo is struggling with keeping himself organized and turning in assignments.  Considering everything we've been going through with Girlie, one might imagine I have a lot of information and ideas about how to help him.  The problem is figuring out how to get him to accept help.

Boyo is having a hard time seeing the continuum of the problem as it goes from week to week.  Not only that, he adamantly refuses to accept any help because he feels he doesn't need it.  Using the 'checklist' conversation, he understands each concept individually: if there is a missing assignment he says he'll find it and turn it in; if he failed a spelling test he says he'll ask for a review/retake, etc.  He finally agreed to let us look over his math homework as he often has scores of 60% or below, but still argues about whether he has performed operations correctly, and won't get on the math website to check or practice. Because, according to him, he doesn't have a problem, and doesn't need help.

These examples are all part of oppositional defiance, and the reason why the coping and accommodation methods we've learned - that we know will work - aren't going to do any good for Boyo. An interesting twist to our situation is that Boyo has a fairly high anxiety component, and doesn't exhibit some of the usual ODD traits at school.  While most children perform better when they are relaxed, that's about the only time Boyo gets in trouble. Dearest and I keep practicing 'The 3 Rs", which in this house means reading, researching, and reviewing.  It never hurts to be reminded of a technique we may have forgotten, or be reassured we are doing all we can for that day, or that hour, or that moment.  We win some, we lose some, but we keep doing the best we can with what we know.

Part of most days I spend with a bunch of friends I've never met.  I'm in a Ravelry group of like-minded knitters who started out with a particular thing in common, which was a love for author Terry Pratchett.  Currently we are having "Guild Wars" - I'm in the Teacher's Guild :-) - and have submitted my first project for the 2012 competition.  How's this for winsome?

Milo loves his new hat!

True North

I read a great article that had nothing to do with autism, Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD, or ODD.  Near the end was this gem:

"Sometimes a child's internal compass points them to their own true north, and it's best for us adults to get out of their way."


That can be true with children who are on the spectrum or have other challenges.  Same solution - get out of the way, right?  No, in fact, if a child cannot articulate the direction he or she wants to take, it can be very difficult for an adult to discern  the intention - or if, for reasons of safety, one should allow the attempt. In our family, we approach this from two directions: first, to pay attention to how the kids are intuitively handling a challenge; and secondly, to discuss it and see if the child can communicate how the path was chosen.  

Sometimes, after a conversation with Boyo goes off in several directions (often with a much less than desired outcome), it comes back around and I understand what he meant to do or say.  This becomes an opportunity to talk to him about what he intended to communicate, and how much difference there might be between what is in his head and what comes out of his mouth. The same is true for Girlie - when we can follow her logic, it sometimes becomes evident that she has thought through a problem and come up with a workable (for her) solution.

The important part is that we are willing to let kids try to work things out, and see how they react to their successes and failures.  Considering our goal in raising these children is that they may someday manage their own lives, it is not for us to decide which direction is their true north.

Out and About

Both kids were out and about on Saturday.  Girlie had a training event with the Guide Dog Puppy Raisers Group.  The area coordinator is a wonderful woman who has a lot of experience working with kids, including kids on the spectrum.  This was the second time she has taken Girlie without having a parent along, and she said it went very well. Boyo went to his grandma's house to do a little outdoor clean-up and then was allowed to watch cartoons with  her caregiver (a big treat, as we don't have cable!).  They weren't being taken care of by babysitters; they were out excercising their independence and acting responsibly, adjusting to what was expected of them.

Dearest and I had a lovely afternoon date that included lunch, a little shopping, and a lot of laughs.  It was wonderful, and a great chance for us to reconnect and enjoy each other on a social level; something we don't get to do very often. This problem is familiar to so many folks who have children with challenges.  One of the first things we are told as parents of kids with special needs is to make opportunities to have time away from the children. When one has been a parent as long as I have - nearly twenty-eight years - it's easy, right?  No; in fact, it's great advice, but can be so difficult to achieve!  When one has children with challenges, it is much more difficult not to be a 'helicopter mom'.

It has taken me a while, but I have become brave enough to ask folks outside the family to supervise the kids.  Besides attending the dog training events, Girlie has spent the night with a young lady who is in her social skills classes.  The two of them have the same favorite author and they've been great friends (at least on a once-a-week basis) for over a year.  When the other girl's mom asked to have Girlie spend the night I set my concerns aside and let her go - she had a great time!  When Boyo started getting more involved in ballet, his instructor suggested we let Boyo ride with him to some of the events because rehearsals and multiple performances mean a much longer day for us, as we live out of town.  Because the people involved as so familiar to the kids, and understand their issues for the most part, these excursions have been successful and we always hear the kids behaved well.

Sometimes it's hard to remember I need to be myself - my own person - even though I'm a parent of children with challenges.  It can be difficult to retain my own identity if I don't occasionally separate myself from them.  By the same token, how can we ever know how effective our teaching is if the kids are never allowed to sit for the exam?  If you have a similar situation, think about how you can give yourself the gift of personal time, time with your spouse or significant other.  Then do it. Ask.  I really have found people are willing to help.  Go on, get out and about!  :-)

Helicopter mom or not, in this photo I am in a helicopter - knitting, as usual!

Direction

It's interesting when one suddenly becomes aware of something that has been a regular occurrence for quite a while.  Recently I realized Girlie occasionally needs to be told how she feels, or how she should feel.  Even as I write it, I realize it seems to go against everything we are told about allowing others to experience their own emotions, without judgment, in the way that is natural for them.

Here is an example:  when Girlie gets herself upset about something, it almost seems as if she is obligated to stay upset.  She was distraught about homework and had decided she would never get to watch television because homework was going to take forever.  I pointed out that if she would make up her mind to get the homework done she could easily complete it and have some screen time.  Seems simple and straightforward, right?  No - in fact, she continued to cry because homework would take forever and she wouldn't get to watch television!  Wait a second... didn't we just take care of that?

I ended up presenting the conversation in kind of a checklist format:
Me - Do you want to watch television?
Her - Yes.
Me - Do you agree that if you get your homework done quickly you will still have time to watch television?
Her - Yes.
Me - Do you understand that you were in charge of that choice?
Her - Yes.
Me - Why are you still crying?
Her - Because everyone is mad at me!
Me - Look at me; do I look mad?
Her - No.
Me - OK. I'm giving you information now - you don't have to cry or be upset because we figured it out: you'll get your homework done fast and then have TV and dessert.  OK?
Her - OK.
The End.

See how that went, though?  It's amazing how long a process can take if I have to figure out how to get into Girlie's head first.  That's not even accurate; I didn't get into her head, I just basically decided her record was stuck and needed to be nudged a bit.  It was a learning experience for me (I expect to be pretty wise, someday) and it won't be long before we have a review.  One of the great things about writing this blog is that I have a chance to review ideas and techniques while I type, cementing in my head what seems to work and sometimes why it works.  If this is helping me on the path to becoming a better parent, it's a step in the right direction.  :-)

Sometimes it's fun to start a project without a direction in mind. When I knitted this bag it started out as an exercise in stranded knitting.  I didn't have a pattern, or a chart for the design, because I was just playing with the technique of knitting with two strands.  I just let the yarn dictate until I was nearly out of yarn, and realized if I made a gusset at the bottom it would be just about perfectly sized for a make-up bag.  I got lucky with the liner and zipper, neither of which I had ever sewed before.  Sometimes you have to let the project choose its own direction!

Knitted with KnitPicks 'Shine' worsted, a cotton/modal blend.

H is for...

Hush.

I talk too much.  I’m working on changing that, but it's been this way for as long as I can remember.  I want there to be a full explanation, a complete answer, for everything.

When I was little, it seemed no one had the time or the inclination to answer my questions with much besides, “Because.”  I’m pretty sure I did my older kids a disservice by answering their questions ad nauseam, but that did have an amusing result at least once: their stepmother reported a conversation in the backseat when the kids were four and six years old that involved detailed differences between evergreen and deciduous trees.  In most cases, though, I just went on and on – taking away from them the opportunity to investigate and discover.  Fortunately, I wasn’t the only person parenting them, and they had plenty of folks, like Dearest, who would counter their questions with, “What do you think?”

More and more we have the ability to find answers instantly, because someone else has already done the research, already done the investigation, already done the work.  It isn’t much of a challenge to look up anything imaginable and get a fairly accurate hit on the first try.  Do I think we should discourage the kids from going to the internet for their answers?  No, in fact I think it’s better than going to Mom, asking the question, and getting an answer with no effort at all.  At least, when one looks up something on the internet, one has to phrase the search term in a way that will generate relevant answers.  One has to think.  In this house we still have plenty of books, too, and we use them frequently; especially to look up birds, trees, and bugs.

If asking questions is the best way to learn, then giving easy answers will take away part of the process, and eliminate the need to put forth any effort.  Pretty soon we might end up with children who haven’t learned how to learn.  Sometimes, the best answer is an expectant silence, and I should just hush.

My favorite time to knit is in the evening after everyone has gone to bed.  I don’t have the television on, or music.  Sometimes I listen to an audio book, but usually I just knit in the hush of a sleepy house.  One of my favorite things I’ve completed recently is a sleepy bunny for my newest grandson’s first Christmas.  Shhhh… it’s a secret...  :-)

Schaefer Yarn Company free pattern here