Time flies!

Goodness, how did a month go by already?

Since my last post I have logged ten knitting/crochet projects totaling 1,640 yards of yarn (nearly a mile!), and made more progress on my sweater (which often gets set aside to complete something with a little quicker gratification).  There have also been a few projects started that weren't going to work out right so they were undone.  I don't consider that a waste of time, though - there is always something I can learn about using different yarn or needles, or whether it's really the kind of knitting I wanted to do.  Sometimes I'm so captivated by a knitted item I decide I must do it, without taking into consideration that it incorporates a style or method I really don't care for.  Here is one that I couldn't resist, even if it does get a bit fiddly: a Norwegian baby hat that I knitted for a new great niece.  DW has been a great model for some of my projects and she always shows things off to great advantage :-)

Norwegian Sweet Baby Cap

Both kids are doing all right, alternating between sailing along and struggling in rough seas depending on the day or issue.  Girlie will get to ride in the equine therapy program through December (which she loves) until they quit for the winter.  Boyo is busy with preparations for The Nutcracker and looking forward to starting basketball.  This will be the first time he has been involved in an organized school sport and we hope for the best.

My mother's live-in caregiver left unexpectedly so there was a bit of a flurry trying to decide how best to handle it, and several meetings and long emails/phone conversations with siblings.  At this point I think I'll call it 'so far, so good', and leave it at that.

We are preparing for an IEP meeting next week with Girlie's team and I'm sure a lot of the focus will be on how best to work on transitioning her toward high school (eep!) next fall.  That, and the holidays fast approaching with extra rehearsals, tech week, gift and charity knitting, and starting basketball practices is quite enough to be going with for the moment!  We'll concentrate on the good parts because, after all, time flies whether we're having fun or not!

Take a breath!

I kept thinking time was getting away from me, and mentally counting up the days since the last post - hard to believe I let three weeks go by!

So - we've been busy with horseback riding, extra rehearsals, performance at the fair, fundraising for the ballet academy's fall production, preparations for school, repairs (and some more repairs) to my van, a couple of home projects, a day trip north to visit family, checking on Mom more often while her caregiver was out of town, helping my oldest daughter and her family move out of the house next door :-(

Yes, the last item on the list was hard - still is - and has been an interesting thing to experience on many levels. I tried to ignore that it was happening right up 'til the first night they didn't sleep in their beds next door, just because there was no way I could get myself emotionally ready for it to be real.  It took the kids even longer; Girlie mentioned a couple times that she was waiting to give something to her niece and I had to remind her they really didn't live there any more. It's been most of the three weeks now, and I'm less often thinking along the lines of running next door to chat, and getting used to not hearing the squeak of the gate and fast little footsteps on my porch.

Milo 7 months - 6/12

It's a good thing - shouldn't that make it easy? No; in fact, I just realized the three weeks of not writing here was a way to delay the very last reality of it, which is putting it down in black and white. And I may have just stepped away from the computer for a bit to grab a tissue. Of course we still talk every day in some manner, but I don't have access to an immediate fix of hugs from the grandkids. And no more giggles and squeals from the yard.

All right, enough of the maudlin, let's move on to the practical. When Girlie's schedule came in the mail I noticed immediately that she'd been assigned a locker. In considering for a while it seemed like a plausible way to work on a new life skill in preparation for starting high school (!) next year. I had Girlie sit down at the table to practice with a combination lock and found she could only open it on the first try about 50% of the time. I don't even want to know how that would translate in a hallway full of kids with a time limit, so no locker for Girlie. It wasn't a problem; the school counselor had assigned it by mistake and Girlie can continue to keep her things in a cubby in the life skills classroom. The problem with the combination lock is due to her dyspraxia, which is a huge variable at any time. Girlie can sit in her room and do some beadwork in a quiet, relaxed environment, but when she is stressed or in a hurry she still has difficulty manipulating buttons on her clothes. If she must have a locker at any point, it will have to be with a keyed lock.

School got off to a great start; now it's time to get all we can out of the last sun-shiny weekend of summer with one more road trip before the real extra quiet time starts for me next week. Well, it will provide the perfect opportunity to learn how to use the knitting machine a friend gave me last week...

Catch 22

Yep, that title is a good fit!

Girlie has been taking social skills classes at an autism learning center for a few years, now. Her progress has been amazing, and when I think of how she has matured, and how much her behavior has changed, it's easy to feel some confidence for her future success. However, it's important to keep in mind that when she takes a social skills class at an autism learning center with a group of her peers, she is with a group of her peers. That means the kids whose example she may follow are probably having similar behaviors and reactions.

It's important, albeit tricky sometimes, to ensure that children on the spectrum can join in supervised activities with neurotypical kids but away from school so they can observe typical kids doing what typical kids do. The reason I think it's important to do this away from a school setting is because most of the school day is pretty structured and the expectations are considerably different than they are in a less formal environment, where a kiddo with challenges in social behavior may be at loose ends, not knowing what is expected or which type of behavior to emulate. Those parents who have their kids involved in Scouts or church-affiliated youth groups are ahead of the game. In our rural area it can be hard to find options with which our family is a good fit.

Middle school is such a proving ground, and the stakes are very high; failures can be spectacular even for neurotypical kids. Of course this means siblings of kids on the spectrum can have more challenges, too, possibly creating further tension to an already strained relationship.

Now is a good time to spend more time talking, trying to imagine scenarios (which is a good exercise for our very literal kiddos, anyway), predicting what expected behaviors might look like, and problem-solving possible stumbling blocks.

Lyrics popped into my head when I began that last paragraph, from Funkytown by Lipps, Inc. It occurred to me how appropriate the whole song is from the standpoint of kids on the spectrum or with other challenges, and how they do have to find a place where they fit. If you've had enough coffee, you might even enjoy watching a blast-from-the-past video.  :-)

Nothing New Under the Sun?

Seriously, nothing noteworthy has happened in two weeks? No, in fact; plenty has happened: some was more of the same, but not all of it.

The adjustment period immediately after The Pup left was eased by the first guest-pup, and then a few days later, Girlie took charge of another guest-pup. I think after he leaves this evening, we'll take a break and give her time to really adjust without the distraction of another dog.

Recently we have had highs and lows with both kiddos: public recognition of a piece written for a state-wide competition and being chosen for a lead role in a fall production have been countered with the stress of end-of-year school testing, falling behind in homework, and new challenges in math. One of the signs of stress we see most often with Girlie is wakefulness in the evening, and we can hear her quietly puttering around in her room 'til long after she should be asleep. Boyo is the opposite: he can usually fall asleep just fine, but if he has something on his mind he'll be in the kitchen rummaging for breakfast an hour before it's time to get up.

Dearest and I find the best way to deal with stress, this time of year, is to get Girlie out in the garden and throw Boyo in the pool. Girlie wants to plant things - she doesn't even really care what she plants - and will pull up leftover or volunteer perrenials or tree seedlings and put them in pots all over the yard. Boyo needs something safe to keep him busy, and the more physical activity, the better. He wants to swim every chance he gets! Money talks with that boy, and he's pretty happy to be taking over Grandma's lawn chores this year.

Ready to plant (Girlie has some pansies this year)

Waiting to receive (see the pots of miscellany?)

The best part at this moment is not whether anything is new under the sun, but that there is sun. I think I'll take my coffee and knitting outside and see if that goldfinch comes by again this morning...

Goodbye, Hello...

The Pup left yesterday. He's off to college, and then hopefully a good job. :-) Considering he left for training at a somewhat younger-than-usual age due to his precocious behavior, we're hopeful that he will fulfill his amazing potential and develop into a skilled Guide Dog. At the same time, we also know he's dealing with the "teenage" behavior you might expect from a Labrador, and hasn't quite mastered his inner goofball, so...

In the meantime, we have a house guest for a couple of days to keep our mind off missing The Pup too much. This little girl is in training, too, and Girlie has become a great puppy-sitter. We know she is missing her pal, but she can't dwell on it too much if she is fending off a wet nose, answering an urgent whine, or working on basic manners for a younger pup.

As another example of excellent timing, all the library books Girlie placed on hold last week were available today, so even when her young charge goes home tomorrow there will Unicorns and Warriors to think about.

We are so glad that things came together as well as they did so that Girlie was able to take The Pup to school for a presentation last week, and that we had an impromptu family picnic on Sunday that we could say was a Going Away Party.

A side note, for those of you familiar with dyspraxia: training an animal is an excellent way to increase one's awareness of what one's hands (and the rest of the body, but especially the hands) are doing. It's been interesting to see Girlie realize every movement she makes affects what the dog does, and sometimes with undesired results. The difference has been that the dog is not being judgmental (which is how Girlie often perceives my behavior/body language) and there is never the added burden of speech from the dog.

As grief tends to do, I know there will be times when it may pop up unexpectedly and take Girlie by surprise. We'll deal with it as best we can, but in the meantime Girlie is doing better than we hoped, and we are so proud of how much she has matured during The Year With The Pup.

Floundering

flounder

verb

1. falter, struggle, stall, slow down, run into trouble, come unstuck (informal), be in difficulties, hit a bad patch 

Writing is not coming easily these days, because I'm feeling everything we're going through is just more of the same. Life in general is like that - we're just trying to be consistent in the way we're dealing with the current issues; some days it seems more of a grind, and I know that attitude comes across in my writing.

We're in the birthday season, which brings with it more adolescent behavior challenges, and we're approaching spring break. Next week we have half days, and both kids will need to be kept busy with something other than screen time. Dearest has vacation time during spring break and we have plans both for at home and a little trip!

Winter Flounder

If there is a question or topic I can address I'll be happy to do the research. I expect the next two weeks will provide something in the way of inspiration, as well. At the moment, the sun shining in the window over my shoulder is the best reason I can think of not to be writing - Happy Spring!  :-)

A Disappointment, Not a Disaster...

Recently I realized how stuck Girlie can get on the subject of Lost Things (caps used for emphasis because it's a Very Big Deal!). Everyone misplaces things, so this is just a normal event, right? No; in fact, Girlie works herself up to a full-blown meltdown when something is 'lost', and is unable to think rationally.

Twice last week Girlie had major episodes of anxiety because of misplaced items. First, she was convinced that someone threw away a stack of her cards she had set aside to give to a friend. I called to her attention the only other people in the house are family members who are fully aware of how important her Bella Sara cards are, and asked her if she thought anyone would do that. Her logical brain told her it was unlikely, but her irrational self kept taking control. Instead, Girlie kept stating where she had put them, and because the cards weren't there they must be 'gone forever'. Since we were trying to leave the house, I told her the cards were definitely still in the house and we would find them, so it was a disappointment that she couldn't give them to her friend that day, but not a disaster because the cards would be found and she could deliver them next time.

The next incident was in regard to The Pup's leash. This is also a simple thing, since we know we can't leave it somewhere the dog is not, because we have to use it to take him anywhere. Again, Girlie is imagining impossible scenarios: we left it at the training event (not possible, since we had to use it to bring the dog home), or that he ate it (yes, she was serious). I pointed out that even if he could have eaten several feet of leather in addition to all the hardware and the plastic disposal bag dispenser and left no clues, there would definitely be evidence outside. If she couldn't find the leash in time to leave for social skills, The Pup would have to stay home this time; again, a disappointment, but not a disaster.

Both of the items were found in the general area of where she thought she'd left them. My role in these cases is to keep coaching, calmly reminding her to look under things and move other things aside. This isn't something that will be resolved immediately, because Girlie is usually distracted and has a very hard time with the concept of 'a place for everything and everything in its place'. We're going to be working on that for a while, I expect.

None of this seems like a very big deal unless we fast-forward a few years and imagine a different scenario: what if Girlie is in college and can't find a text book for a few days? Even if it's in her tiny dorm room, if she is unable to calm herself and look for it, she will have to deal with what she perceives as a disaster all by herself, possibly missing days of class because she wouldn't know what else to do. These situations may seem like a minor annoyance in most cases, but they serve as a reminder that it isn't enough just to make sure Girlie is doing grade-level math, or keeping up in language arts. We have to make sure she can successfully manage the things neurotypical folks might take for granted.

There is a great article on the subject here. I don't agree that the educational system is failing to prepare our kids (what are families doing about teaching these skills?); but it would be nice if more opportunities could be found in school to teach lifeskills - even a task as simple as giving a child a map of the school and asking him or her to deliver something to a specific classroom in a different building or hall would be a very useful exercise.

In any case, helping Girlie learn to calm down and realize a misplaced item is no more than an inconvenience will go a long way toward helping her to think rationally in the event of a more urgent situation - it's a disappointment, not a disaster.

Here is a great example of a knitting mishap that can be pretty upsetting to knitters. After all, there are many hours of labor in a hand-knitted pair of socks! I figure my time was well spent, even if the socks were to get thrown away, but why not just learn to darn them? So that's what I'll do. It's a disappointment, not a disaster. :-)

Working Through It

After days of math misery and a session of after-school help, we've made it through the latest rough patch. Boyo is doing all right for the moment, and so is Girlie. In fact, the midterm reports that came home the other day looked great!

We'll be in the midst of birthday season, shortly, and Dearest and I aren't sure where that will lead us. A time for fun and celebrating, right? So one might hope, but we never know - in fact, the expectations leading up to the day can result in a crash of epic proportions so we try to keep things as low-key as possible. 

It can be difficult to achieve a celebratory feel that is satisfying to a child when the usual birthday party agenda doesn't fit the family. Fortunately, spring break falls between their birthdays and we try to have some very special combined event - this year it may be a trip to the zoo and the beach, since Dearest will be on vacation for the whole week! :-)

I'll leave you with a cartoon that ticks all the boxes for me: knitting, math jokes, and clever word-play. Have a great weekend!

Frazz Comic Strip - 2/25/12

Peer Abuse

I have a friend whose daughter is involved in a group called The Phoenix Project, which seeks to raise awareness and empower youth to rise above peer abuse.  They refer to bullying as 'peer abuse' to better describe what it actually is.

Unfortunately, children with challenges are much more likely to be victims of bullying, or peer abuse, than neurotypical kids (as are kids who are gay, transgender, or questioning). An added challenge for our kiddos with Asperger's is that they sometimes don't know how to report aggressive or threatening behavior.

While we are teaching our kids expected social behavior, we must also teach tolerance so our kids know that differences don't matter in the grand scheme of things; it is the ways in which we are alike that are far more important.  All humans have the same basic needs - aside from water, food, and shelter, we need to feel a sense of acceptance and community.

Pay extra attention to your child's behavior, and watch for signs of stress. Ask questions about how he or she feels at school (or anywhere they regularly are away from home, such as on the bus or in extracurricular activities and sports), and whether they have concerns about anyone else. Ask them if they know what to do if they see an act of peer abuse, and make sure they know what it is. Truly, a life may depend on it.

Another Lion Brand yarn free e-card

Cogitations and Observations

Recently a friend posted a link to an article about the controversy of whether cursive writing should still be taught in schools. There are some experts who would like to call attention to the role of handwriting in the overall learning process, while others would as soon see kids move on to keyboarding as soon as possible in keeping with the 'technological age'. I believe that writing isn't just about writing, and I'm glad to see there are experts to explain why.

I have nothing scientific on which to base my opinions, but I do have theories about why it's critical that students who are physically able to write should write, at least part of the time. I think there is an important connection made between the pencil and the brain that shouldn't be overlooked. Girlie has struggled with writing from the very beginning. She is dyspraxic, and the act of writing requires so much concentration there is little left over for anything else - such as remembering the question she is supposed to be answering. In the last two years she has made incredible progress with the help of her occupational therapist and, I'd like to think, some methods we thought of and put in practice.

When Girlie started third grade she had a 1:1 paraeducator, and with the increase in curriculum and writing requirements it was decided that most of her work would be scribed. At that point, the IEP team decided to increase the amount of keyboarding instruction in the hope that she would be able to do more of her work independently. Besides the physical difficulty with writing, the area in which she struggled the most was math, so that by the time she completed fifth grade she was working at about a mid-fourth grade level. Dearest and I asked to have her enrolled in summer school followed by an extra math session (which made it a short summer for her; she had only about three weeks of summer vacation) and she gained nearly a year of math skills!

When Girlie was in sixth grade, something that I'd been thinking about kept coming to surface, but I didn't know how to articulate what I was thinking, and hadn't read anything about it. We noticed that if she watched us write her math, she could sometimes verbalize what should be done, but only with prompts and rarely by just looking at the problem in the book.  If we left her alone to do the writing on a shortened assignment by herself, she either didn't do it at all or did most of it wrong.

I decided to start reading every math problem to Girlie and tell her what to write to set up the problem. It seemed as though two things happened: when she was told exactly what to write one step at a time (e.g. "Write the number 42. Now write the number 3 underneath it. Now multiply; what is 3 times 2? OK, write 6."), she didn't struggle as much or get caught up in the physically challenging act of writing. The other thing that appeared to be happening is that the math, traveling up through the pencil and into her brain, started to make sense. During the sixth grade year she moved from special ed math to grade level math with a 'booster' class. This year, she is in a regular seventh grade math class and rarely has her assignments modified. When she has math homework, she usually completes it independently.

From my own perspective, I notice the connection between the paper and my brain in my professional life when I take meeting minutes. Over the years I've noticed more and more people use a laptop to take minutes during the meeting, and I kept wondering: does it automatically simplify and streamline the transcription process? No - in fact, I sometimes have a very difficult time remembering contextual details if I missed anything, because I find I can type almost mindlessly and not pay attention! Conversely, when I'm handwriting the notes what ends up on paper is very terse and probably wouldn't make much sense to others, but when I transcribe from my notes I have complete - often word for word - recall.

Some kinesthetic connection is being made, and I'm certain that not everyone learns that way, but it's clear that Girlie needs to write to understand, at least in math. We could look at it this way: it won't be a detriment to anyone to keep teaching handwriting - both printing and cursive - in school. On the other hand, it might impede learning for those who would otherwise perform better in other subjects if they learn more efficiently by writing. Just my two cents... :-)

Win Some, Lose Some...

Between raising our own children, spending some time as a substitute educational assistant, and taking classes to learn about working with children who have ADHD/ADD, developmental disabilities, or extreme behavioral or other mental health issues, it seems like I'd be well prepared to tackle most any problem that arises, right?  Unfortunately, no - in fact, I'm constantly doing more research, reading books, consulting with other folks who might have had similar experiences, and talking things over with Dearest.  One thing is certain: all the intellectual knowledge in the world is no guarantee the problem will be solved in practice.

The first year of middle school can be challenging for any kid.  The first year of middle school for a child with learning and behavioral challenges can be really hard.  That means it isn't a cake walk for parents, either.  Currently, Boyo is struggling with keeping himself organized and turning in assignments.  Considering everything we've been going through with Girlie, one might imagine I have a lot of information and ideas about how to help him.  The problem is figuring out how to get him to accept help.

Boyo is having a hard time seeing the continuum of the problem as it goes from week to week.  Not only that, he adamantly refuses to accept any help because he feels he doesn't need it.  Using the 'checklist' conversation, he understands each concept individually: if there is a missing assignment he says he'll find it and turn it in; if he failed a spelling test he says he'll ask for a review/retake, etc.  He finally agreed to let us look over his math homework as he often has scores of 60% or below, but still argues about whether he has performed operations correctly, and won't get on the math website to check or practice. Because, according to him, he doesn't have a problem, and doesn't need help.

These examples are all part of oppositional defiance, and the reason why the coping and accommodation methods we've learned - that we know will work - aren't going to do any good for Boyo. An interesting twist to our situation is that Boyo has a fairly high anxiety component, and doesn't exhibit some of the usual ODD traits at school.  While most children perform better when they are relaxed, that's about the only time Boyo gets in trouble. Dearest and I keep practicing 'The 3 Rs", which in this house means reading, researching, and reviewing.  It never hurts to be reminded of a technique we may have forgotten, or be reassured we are doing all we can for that day, or that hour, or that moment.  We win some, we lose some, but we keep doing the best we can with what we know.

Part of most days I spend with a bunch of friends I've never met.  I'm in a Ravelry group of like-minded knitters who started out with a particular thing in common, which was a love for author Terry Pratchett.  Currently we are having "Guild Wars" - I'm in the Teacher's Guild :-) - and have submitted my first project for the 2012 competition.  How's this for winsome?

Milo loves his new hat!