Little Reminders

Sometimes, life takes us in so many different directions that I end up not being in the right place to catch one of the endless balls in the air. Keeping a calendar helps, and sending myself text and email reminders has been a great technological advantage. Appointments, rehearsals, meetings, classes, work assignments - there are very few days when at least one of us doesn't have to be somewhere, or have a deadline to meet.

Pie safe, with a new lease on life!

There are other reminders that serve to keep us on our path, and help us remember what's important. Dearest recently 'rescued' the pie safe that I grew up with; cleaning, refurbishing, and tightening all the joints after it spent several years gathering dust and falling to pieces in my mother's garage. It's a piece of furniture that has always given me comfort, because it was there when I was too young to know about the very hard things in life. It came out of an old house when Dad was working in demolition, before I was born, and he just couldn't bear to toss it aside. Hard to believe that glass has survived all the roughhousing when us kids were growing up! My brother took it when my parents moved, and stripped the old black stain to reveal the warm oak color. He gave it to me when my big kids were little, and I felt as though I was welcoming an old friend.

Lately, with Carey and her family moving, there has been a flood of reminders wrapped up in the house next door. The house where Dearest and I decided we'd have children, first through fostering, and then adoption. Where Girlie came to us only weeks after we'd made the decision. Where we said 'hello' to a brand-new-born babe that we thought was going to be our own, and then - with only two hours notice - 'good-bye' six weeks later (I choose to believe his story has a happy ending, because with confidentiality laws I will never know for sure). Where Tall Boy and Carey finally came to live with us full time, then Boyo came - and through one thing and another we ended up with two more for a total of six children in that little house (four of them teenagers), for eight months! The pie safe was there then, but had to be moved a few years later due to a severe case of us bustin' out at the seams in that house. Considering there was one person in particular, not to mention any names (coughBoyocough), who literally climbed the walls, and a couple little people who threw things during meltdowns, the pie safe was no longer safe in my care in such a little house.

No matter how many times I thank him, Dearest can't completely know the importance of this gift. Just a piece of furniture? No. In fact, although the photo shows it empty, it never was. The pie safe has always been full of reminders of comfort, safety, and the assurance that we can endure. ♥

Needs Must

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" Leonard Nimoy as Spock in 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan', 1982.

Probably one of  Spock's most famous lines, right up there with "Live long and Prosper" and "Illogical".  Captain Kirk's shaky reply was, "Or the one."  It was obvious that Spock's self-sacrifice was the only way to save everyone else.

Moms get this.  It's what we do, right?  It's the hallmark of a good mom, right?  No. In fact, it can be a sign of impending doom before becoming a (hopefully only temporarily) broken mom.  Many women are raised with a 'needs must' attitude, and the belief that we must get the job done no matter what the cost to our personal health or emotional well-being.  Otherwise, we fear being thought of as selfish or inadequate if others perceive we are putting our own needs before those of our families.

Guess what? You are not going to be capable of giving your best help and support if you are at less than your best.  Worst-case scenario, a woman can allow herself to be driven to the point of emotional implosion and/or serious illness, no longer able to provide for herself or anyone else. Yes, it sounds dramatic, but just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean it isn't happening a lot more often than we think.

There is a balance.  We need to raise our children - especially our daughters - to listen to their needs in a productive way.  Not because we want them to lie around on the couch playing video games, but because a little solitary time weeding the garden or shooting a few hoops, reading, quiet time/meditation - or knitting! - is an effective way to regroup and gather one's energies after a class or meeting.  Teach them to know what that is, and how to value it as a tool of good self-care.

If caring only for others can leave us drained and unwell, and caring only for ourselves makes us selfish, it makes sense that striking a balance is the only way to be healthy and whole. What greater gift can we give our children?

One nice way to take care of oneself is with a hot water bottle to sooth away
the aches and pains of too much gardening or yard work! This is my slightly
tweaked version of the Cabled Hot Water Bottle Cosy by Alexis Layton,
a free pattern on Ravelry!

For what it's worth...

I'm not the only person in my family who actually got choked up when I reported that Girlie came downstairs, after getting ready to go to youth group, with her hair completely brushed and dried and a very modest amount of carefully applied makeup on. Makeup! Including a tiny bit of mascara! She looked like any other 14-year-old girl-next-door. Who would have thought I'd ever place so much importance on wearing makeup? Naturally it isn't the makeup I care about, per se, it's the typicality of the situation that caught me by surprise. Girlie is growing up, and she has come a long way, Baby!  :-)

A beautiful smile can reveal interesting things in an x-ray. Boyo is going full speed ahead in orthodontia - the consult was today and braces will be on in one week! There were some aspects I could identify as problematic even without explanation from the orthodontist, so I'm glad we're not losing any time. Yes, he's anxious, and so am I (about how he'll deal with it, not about the orthodontia), but trying not to let on. Of course Girlie has been in one phase or another of her extensive orthodontia for nearly five years, so I hope that will help lessen the anxiety a bit for Boyo, in addition to knowing that his case will take about a third the length of time.

My mom is going to celebrate her 80th birthday this month. I didn't think that would be possible.

My Tall Boy is going to have a birthday this month.  I didn't think that would be possible - twice.

Dearest is going to have a birthday this month.  I've helped him celebrate eighteen of them - there have been times I wished we'd met earlier in our lives, but we would have been different people with different contributions; who can say whether we would have fallen in love?

Worth is subjective, but these things fit very nicely with the way I've been feeling lately.  Is it possible I've gone overboard about makeup, braces, and a few birthdays?  No. In fact, I think pretty much everything is holy now.

Love

Possibly the most often written about subject in history… and for some reason until a few years ago I really didn’t understand it.

The jewelry industry would have us believe that we fall in love and live happily ever after, as long as we continue to buy diamonds.  The candy companies imply that love can best be expressed with chocolate (OK, that is at least partially true, especially if it includes caramel!).  Hallmark seems to think that all mothers are perfect, and everyone knows that red roses symbolize love.  For parents, love is automatic.  Right?

No.  In fact, love is not a feeling and it is not an emotion.  Love is a choice and a commitment that has to be made and reaffirmed, often (as in the case of parenting children with challenges) many more times than one would ever have thought possible. 

Believing this has helped me understand that it’s all right to feel frustrated and angry occasionally.  It’s expected that I might be repulsed by behaviors.  It’s understandable that sometimes I feel like I’ve failed.  Those are the times I need to remember to love myself, and then re-commit to the choice I made to love another.

From time to time I have to re-commit to a knitting project.  Even when I’ve made a good match of yarn and pattern, I get tired of knitting at a particular gauge for a long time and need to switch to working on a project with bigger or smaller needles to prevent repetitive stress injury.  Other times I find I need or want to start a new project before finishing the one I’m knitting.  Either way, a project is languishing through no fault of its own.   I hardly ever have more than three or four ‘live’ projects at a time now, and occasionally I’ll use a new pattern or yarn as incentive to get something finished up.  When I finish this little throw blanket, I’m going to love it.  Unless, of course, it’s August…

KnitPicks Wool of the Andes Bulky on US 9 'Harmony' needles.