Panic!

Most parents who have a child on the spectrum have probably dealt with a panic situation.  There will be a trigger that causes a child to go into panic mode: hands over ears, screaming, and possibly running away, seemingly directionless.  It is not only heart-wrenching to see; depending on where it happens it can be really frightening, as well.

When Girlie was younger it happened fairly often at school, and the staff there quickly learned to have someone take Girlie out of class if there was a planned fire drill.  At home, it was almost nightly for quite a while because Girlie was terrified of the sound of trains - both the rumble of wheels on rails and the train whistle.  We don't live all that close to the crossing, and if the television is on or there is any other background noise, we can rarely hear the train.  Unfortunately, there is a train that runs around 11:30 every night, and when Girlie was younger she could hear it coming before anyone else.  Often I'd be sitting with my oldest son while he was still at home and we'd be unaware of how late it was getting until we heard the wail from Girlie's room.

We can stop it if we know it's coming, right?  No, in fact the problem is that there seems to be very little one can do to stop the panic once it starts; only offer support and comfort while trying to keep the child safe.  This can be frightening, and very dangerous, if it happens away from home.  Although Girlie is much better able to handle her anxiety now, there are situations that get the better of her.  Last summer, on a much-anticipated outing to the fair (some folks will spot that phrase, "much-anticipated", and know that trouble is coming), we parked at the carnival end where all the rides are.  On our way in, a ride started up with an incredible racket and several things happened within just a split second: Girlie screamed, clapped her hands over her ears, turned to run, and my arm shot out to block her while the other arm came around to enfold her.  Nothing like that had happened in such a long time I didn't even consider the possibility!  As I noted (albeit in hindsight), the fact that there was so much excitement attached to the outing put Girlie on a heightened awareness.

I talked almost non-stop quietly in her ear, and as soon as the ride stopped we hot-footed through the gate and went as quickly as possible toward the opposite end of the fairgrounds.  Luckily one of the first attractions we saw was Chris Biro's The Pirate's Parrot, which happens to include an Eclectus that was in our care for a while, and that Girlie really loved.  Even though Midori wasn't out for that particular show, Girlie was able to calm down while watching the other birds.

Girlie at age 9. Midori was trying to take the candy from her.

When a child is known to be prone to panic, especially if he or she tends to bolt or run away, it adds stress to the whole family.  Everyone has to be prepared to react in whatever proves to be the method that works best for the child.  Some people, including me, may be more susceptible to the 'overflow stress'; meaning, I have to deal with the extra adrenaline after the emergency has passed. Don't panic - thank goodness, I have my knitting with me :-)

Just Give it to Me Straight...

We don't have a diagnosis of obsessive/compulsive disorder in our family, but we do go through periods during which Boyo is completely hung up on an idea and can't seem to let it go.  We can have a discussion, itemizing reasons why what he wants is impractical and/or unreasonable, each of which he verbalizes understanding.  So the conversation is over, we think the subject is dropped, and everyone goes about his or her business.  For about five minutes.

Usually it isn't anything new, just a variation on a theme - video games are the most frequent topic.  It would be strange if Boyo asked for game time fewer than half a dozen times between coming home from school and bedtime.  This weekend, he definitely caught Dearest and I by surprise by being completely stuck on the idea of straightening his hair.

Does it bother us that he wants to do something like that?  No, in fact, we have no problem with the kids wanting to express their individuality through personal style. Boyo had his ears pierced when he was eight - we made him wait a whole year after he started asking, to make sure it wasn't a passing fancy - and wears a different style of earring in each ear.  He likes to have flashes of color in his hair - currently it's purple.  The only hard and fast, no-exceptions rule we have about clothing is that it has to fit properly and not show underclothes.

Carey, being the cool big sister that she is, took it in stride when her little brother came over to have his hair straightened and get styling tips.  Yes, she tells him the same things I do, but it gives me a break from the repetitive subject for a while.  Of course, since the subject came up, Girlie has to get in on this because she has much more experience, and even has her own hair straightener, which she graciously offered to let Boyo use.  The trouble is, hers is an old one that has large plates, and Boyo has pretty short hair.  He desperately needs to get one like Carey's...

Tune in next time - we'll see how long this phase lasts.  :-)

Basketweave stitch pattern in Paton's Kroy sock yarn 'Mulberry Stripes'

Sooner or later, most knitters will develop a preference for a particular brand or style of needle.  For many folks, the choice comes down to circular or straight needles.  I almost always use circular needles, even when I'm not knitting in the round, because circs are easier to use on the treadmill and I don't have to worry about dropping a needle.  I'll always have straight needles available, and I think they look great on display in a knitted pencil holder - a can with a sleeve knitted in any stitch pattern one cares to use.  The one shown here was knitted with left over sock yarn on my little 9" circular needles and was a great 'stashbuster' project.

Humming right along...

There is a new trend going on at our house.  Boyo has discovered the radio.  Not that we've never listened to the radio before now, but Dearest usually listens to a news show or a classical station.  Girlie has been listening to the radio at night for years (and many of us remember the tragic reaction when her favorite station shut down), but I think that automatically meant it wasn't 'cool' as far as Boyo is concerned.

Boyo gets a ride to school twice a week with an older boy he's known and been friends with since he was in preschool.  This boy and his dad listen to a 'cool' radio station in the car, so I think that's what started it.  Recently Boyo has been experimenting listening to the radio on his mp3 player and on his clock radio at night.  It's too soon to tell for sure, but I think this will prove to be a good thing for us.  Unlike when he listens to audio books  on his mp3  player, he's more relaxed because he isn't straining to hear the story around household noise and conversation.

Still, it's just the same as for any other kid with earbuds in his ears, right?  Judging by how Boyo has been acting for the last two days, I have to say no.  In fact, I don't know what is really happening, but I have a theory: having a pleasant, distracting noise right in ear gives him a break from constant input from too many other sources, in his case including the anxious and busy thoughts in his own head.

The best part is hearing him singing along in his still-soprano voice, not knowing the words, with an occasional doot-da-doot thrown in, unaware of anyone listening.  I have no idea what he's listening to, but if it makes him happy, I feel like humming along!

I hope you enjoy this beautifully rendered animation of knitted panels set to music.  Notice the figures are actually 'singing'!

Teachers

Every teacher I had after kindergarten, and all the teachers all four of my kids have had, have been measured against a pretty tough yardstick.  Which is ironic, given that my kindergarten teacher was a little person not much taller than many of her students.  Even though I was only five years old, I remember how she treated her students like real people.  Miss G played with us at recess, and due to her physical limitations she didn’t have to pretend to lose, and the kids didn’t mind if she won sometimes.  Many times I’ve wished to contact her and tell her how often I’ve thought of her over the years.

When Girlie started preschool she had an amazing teacher.  It was so hard to leave her, but she steered us toward the school district Early Intervention Program.  I’m sure we would have found out about it when Girlie started kindergarten, but getting a jump start on services was a great way to prepare for school.

Our family has been fortunate in that the district, and individual teachers, have always shown a willingness to help us find what works for Girlie.  They recognize that they are working with our entire family to some extent, because Girlie’s issues aren’t just limited to one place.  It was a great advantage for me to be able to work alongside some of them in an official capacity as a substitute educational assistant for a while, because it taught me a lot about the system from the inside, too.

Is it only trained educators who’ve taught me what I know about working with kids?  No – in fact, while I definitely appreciate how much formal education is involved in earning a teaching certificate, I believe the best teachers were already teachers before they ever went to college.  One of the best teachers I know doesn’t hold any certification.  Whether she chooses it as a career some day or not, my oldest daughter is a natural teacher, and has been since she was a child, herself.  She teaches to a person’s level of understanding whether it’s a preschool art project, or math, or knitting, or biochemistry, or handling sheep, and can easily change her approach and explain concepts in a different way to audiences from toddler age to adulthood.  I’m pretty sure that no matter how many times I’ve told her, she still doesn’t realize how gifted she is.

For all those folks who have been patient, helpful, caring, patient, skilled, kind, loving, and patient with Girlie and Boyo (and me!) – thank you.  From the bottom of my heart.  Because I honestly don’t know how we could have come so far without you. ♥

Role Reversal

Something I have yet to mention in this blog is care of elderly parents.  I am part of what is known as the 'sandwich generation';  meaning, there is an elderly parent in need of care and children still at home.

Before my mother had a caregiver move in I spent time with her either in person or on the phone almost every day.  She is nearly blind due to macular degeneration, and has vascular dementia due to a long history of heavy smoking and prior strokes. She is a survivor of lung cancer but has COPD and fibrous lung tissue partly due to radiation damage.  She has very poor short term memory and sometimes we have what I refer to as 'looping' conversations; meaning, we finish a conversation and then start the same one five or ten minutes later.

The really interesting thing is that interacting with Mom can be so similar to being with the kids.  Her cognitive deficits manifest in much the same ways as the kids' challenges because the vascular compromise and strokes affected her executive functioning.  It's difficult to know exactly where to place myself sometimes, and I go back and forth between being her child and taking the role of adult in charge.  The tricky thing is to know which hat to wear at any given time.

Do I always get it right?  Oh, heck no - in fact, I sometimes find myself arguing with her oppositional behavior, just as I used to with Boyo; she digs her heels in exactly the same way.  And it doesn't matter, in the long run, who has a particular photograph, or what kind of tree was planted along the road, or whatever other thing her memory has rearranged into a different story.  They're her stories.  All I have to do is react and respond in such a way that, as much as possible, her dignity is preserved and she feels valued.  In that respect, we're all the same: it doesn't matter whether you're the child, the parent, or the one in between.

Good Morning!

This day started out with Morning.  I don't really blame Morning, it can't help that it gets here first.  I just wish it wouldn't get here before every one's meds have kicked in.

Medications for treatment of ADHD/ADD are a controversial subject, as I'm well aware.  In our family, we don't argue with success.  If a child who is completely unable to write legibly suddenly writes several sentences within the lines on the day she starts medication, that is significant.  If a child who can't be contained within his own body and can't keep his clothing out of his mouth is able to raise his hand and wait to be called on from the day he starts medication, that is significant.  If an adult is able to sort through all the buzz going on inside and deal with issues one at a time, remember conversations that happened because of an increased ability to focus on others, and avoid irrational outbursts of temper - especially in this family - that is significant.

If you were counting, you can figure that's at least three people.  If those three people have to be getting ready for work and school at the same time in the morning, it's a Condition Red situation.  You know the sound effect in movies when the submarine is going to dive?  It's like that. You might think it's an exaggeration, but even the dogs lay low.  Weekend mornings are better because there are no deadlines, but still tense because some folks are too sensitive and others are too wild and crazy.

Making good progress on the vest for Dearest. Try Earl Grey
tea with sweetened vanilla cream for a variation of 'London Fog'.

Of course we work to make it better and some adjustments have helped, but the fact that breakfast must be eaten, teeth must be brushed, and buses must be boarded can't be changed.  Weekday mornings bring the requisite forty-five minutes of chaos and frenzy.  Makes me want to grab a cup of tea and my knitting just thinking about it!

Parenting Rules

Dearest and I break the ‘rules’ all the time.  Seriously.

We are not above using a promise of screen time (TV, computer, or video games) to coerce persuade Boyo to practice the piano for a little longer.  We delay dessert until after shower time to bribe encourage Girlie to take a faster-than-she-would-otherwise shower.  I’d like to think the way we phrase our requests makes it less obvious: “You can play a game after you practice for about 10 more minutes,” and, “Hurry up and take a quick shower so you’ll have time for dessert.”

Do we believe this is always the right thing to do?  No; in fact, sometimes I question our decisions, wondering whether the kids hold out for rewards before doing what they should do, anyway.  I don’t know if there is a concrete answer.  Maybe it will help them learn the value of delayed gratification, though.  When it comes to doing chores, Dearest and I have always advocated getting them done before going on to other things, so we can enjoy ourselves without extra responsibilities hanging over us.  We already know that it takes our kiddos longer than many kids to learn concepts, and our way of teaching them seems very repetitive and sometimes overly simplistic – as if we are still raising preschool-aged kids.

Whether it entirely fits with conventional parenting wisdom or not, we know that the best thing for our family is to find the best thing for our family.  Even if we have to manipulate make a few tweaks to the rules.

Kraemer Sterling Silk & Silver in 'Red Carpet'

Speaking of delayed gratification, I’ve been waiting weeks to cast on a particular pair of socks because a Ravelry group I’m in (Ankh-Morpork Knitter's Guild - all fans of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books) holds “Guild Wars”.  We took a break over the holidays but the new round starts February 1.  In anticipation of starting a new project I’ve been very good about finishing up other projects – and I’m really excited to get started with this yarn!  See that sparkle?  That’s 2% silver!  I’ll be knitting ‘Little Exuviae’ socks, a free pattern by Lara Neel of “Math4Knitters”