Best Excuse Ever...

I completely forgot to prepare a post because the evening was spent listening to the kids playing a card game - together, no less! After they went to bed I became engrossed in the second book of the 'Flavia de Luce' series by Alan Bradley. Whoops!

Happy Valentine's Day!

True North

I read a great article that had nothing to do with autism, Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD, or ODD.  Near the end was this gem:

"Sometimes a child's internal compass points them to their own true north, and it's best for us adults to get out of their way."


That can be true with children who are on the spectrum or have other challenges.  Same solution - get out of the way, right?  No, in fact, if a child cannot articulate the direction he or she wants to take, it can be very difficult for an adult to discern  the intention - or if, for reasons of safety, one should allow the attempt. In our family, we approach this from two directions: first, to pay attention to how the kids are intuitively handling a challenge; and secondly, to discuss it and see if the child can communicate how the path was chosen.  

Sometimes, after a conversation with Boyo goes off in several directions (often with a much less than desired outcome), it comes back around and I understand what he meant to do or say.  This becomes an opportunity to talk to him about what he intended to communicate, and how much difference there might be between what is in his head and what comes out of his mouth. The same is true for Girlie - when we can follow her logic, it sometimes becomes evident that she has thought through a problem and come up with a workable (for her) solution.

The important part is that we are willing to let kids try to work things out, and see how they react to their successes and failures.  Considering our goal in raising these children is that they may someday manage their own lives, it is not for us to decide which direction is their true north.

Out and About

Both kids were out and about on Saturday.  Girlie had a training event with the Guide Dog Puppy Raisers Group.  The area coordinator is a wonderful woman who has a lot of experience working with kids, including kids on the spectrum.  This was the second time she has taken Girlie without having a parent along, and she said it went very well. Boyo went to his grandma's house to do a little outdoor clean-up and then was allowed to watch cartoons with  her caregiver (a big treat, as we don't have cable!).  They weren't being taken care of by babysitters; they were out excercising their independence and acting responsibly, adjusting to what was expected of them.

Dearest and I had a lovely afternoon date that included lunch, a little shopping, and a lot of laughs.  It was wonderful, and a great chance for us to reconnect and enjoy each other on a social level; something we don't get to do very often. This problem is familiar to so many folks who have children with challenges.  One of the first things we are told as parents of kids with special needs is to make opportunities to have time away from the children. When one has been a parent as long as I have - nearly twenty-eight years - it's easy, right?  No; in fact, it's great advice, but can be so difficult to achieve!  When one has children with challenges, it is much more difficult not to be a 'helicopter mom'.

It has taken me a while, but I have become brave enough to ask folks outside the family to supervise the kids.  Besides attending the dog training events, Girlie has spent the night with a young lady who is in her social skills classes.  The two of them have the same favorite author and they've been great friends (at least on a once-a-week basis) for over a year.  When the other girl's mom asked to have Girlie spend the night I set my concerns aside and let her go - she had a great time!  When Boyo started getting more involved in ballet, his instructor suggested we let Boyo ride with him to some of the events because rehearsals and multiple performances mean a much longer day for us, as we live out of town.  Because the people involved as so familiar to the kids, and understand their issues for the most part, these excursions have been successful and we always hear the kids behaved well.

Sometimes it's hard to remember I need to be myself - my own person - even though I'm a parent of children with challenges.  It can be difficult to retain my own identity if I don't occasionally separate myself from them.  By the same token, how can we ever know how effective our teaching is if the kids are never allowed to sit for the exam?  If you have a similar situation, think about how you can give yourself the gift of personal time, time with your spouse or significant other.  Then do it. Ask.  I really have found people are willing to help.  Go on, get out and about!  :-)

Helicopter mom or not, in this photo I am in a helicopter - knitting, as usual!

Must be the Full Moon...

We've all heard references to the moon affecting many things.  When I worked in a hospital, staff always talked about more emergency room visits around the full moon.  Teachers talk about kids being more excitable and distracted during the full-moon phase.  There is controversy about whether these theories can be proven, but when one witnesses enough anecdotal data, it's hard to deny.

Did I consider the moon as a possible explanation for the behavior of the past several days? NO! In fact, it just now occurred to me to do some research on whether families and caregivers of children on the spectrum notice any correlation between the moon phase and meltdowns. Guess what I found out? There are abundant  references to an increase in meltdown or tantrum behavior coinciding with the lunar cycle.

Now the bigger question: what can be done about it?  Plenty, if we are aware of a trend. The majority of agitation and tantrums could have been eliminated the past few days if we had just put two and two together.  There has been a particularly large homework load due to having to catch up from a week of weather-related school closure.  Dearest and I were thinking only in terms of everyone having to do all that work, and just trying to get Girlie through it as best we could.  If we had given any thought to the extra work coinciding with a full moon, and therefore the increased likelihood of meltdowns, we would have been a lot more likely to adjust the amount of homework and the time we expected her to spend on it.  (Because Girlie is so high functioning, we try to avoid making too many adjustments to her homework and only do it when we feel it's really necessary; she has a tendency to take advantage if she thinks she can get away with it.)

Next month, we'll be paying attention.  I'll avoid making any schedule changes or planning activities that might cause too much excitement or anxiety at an otherwise vulnerable time.  We'll be careful to note the homework requirements and make adjustments more readily.

February 6, 2012 - waxing gibbous, approx. 98%

I took this photo with the aid of Dearest's telescope.  I have always loved the moon, and the first time I saw this view with my own eyes I was nearly overcome.  Conversely, Girlie has never wanted to look through the telescope, and is unable to articulate why.  That may remain a mystery, but in the meantime, I'll be sure to watch Girlie more closely when it's time for the next full moon.

Time Out

We've had a busy week, and Girlie is having a particularly hard time.  Emotions are running high, and Dearest and I have been on red alert for interventions with multiple meltdowns daily.  I'm taking the night off.  :-)

Nearly complete Horizontal Rib Hat for grandson Milo
from the book Sock Yarn One-Skein Wonders knitted
with Black Bunny Fibers Falkland British Wool

Direction

It's interesting when one suddenly becomes aware of something that has been a regular occurrence for quite a while.  Recently I realized Girlie occasionally needs to be told how she feels, or how she should feel.  Even as I write it, I realize it seems to go against everything we are told about allowing others to experience their own emotions, without judgment, in the way that is natural for them.

Here is an example:  when Girlie gets herself upset about something, it almost seems as if she is obligated to stay upset.  She was distraught about homework and had decided she would never get to watch television because homework was going to take forever.  I pointed out that if she would make up her mind to get the homework done she could easily complete it and have some screen time.  Seems simple and straightforward, right?  No - in fact, she continued to cry because homework would take forever and she wouldn't get to watch television!  Wait a second... didn't we just take care of that?

I ended up presenting the conversation in kind of a checklist format:
Me - Do you want to watch television?
Her - Yes.
Me - Do you agree that if you get your homework done quickly you will still have time to watch television?
Her - Yes.
Me - Do you understand that you were in charge of that choice?
Her - Yes.
Me - Why are you still crying?
Her - Because everyone is mad at me!
Me - Look at me; do I look mad?
Her - No.
Me - OK. I'm giving you information now - you don't have to cry or be upset because we figured it out: you'll get your homework done fast and then have TV and dessert.  OK?
Her - OK.
The End.

See how that went, though?  It's amazing how long a process can take if I have to figure out how to get into Girlie's head first.  That's not even accurate; I didn't get into her head, I just basically decided her record was stuck and needed to be nudged a bit.  It was a learning experience for me (I expect to be pretty wise, someday) and it won't be long before we have a review.  One of the great things about writing this blog is that I have a chance to review ideas and techniques while I type, cementing in my head what seems to work and sometimes why it works.  If this is helping me on the path to becoming a better parent, it's a step in the right direction.  :-)

Sometimes it's fun to start a project without a direction in mind. When I knitted this bag it started out as an exercise in stranded knitting.  I didn't have a pattern, or a chart for the design, because I was just playing with the technique of knitting with two strands.  I just let the yarn dictate until I was nearly out of yarn, and realized if I made a gusset at the bottom it would be just about perfectly sized for a make-up bag.  I got lucky with the liner and zipper, neither of which I had ever sewed before.  Sometimes you have to let the project choose its own direction!

Knitted with KnitPicks 'Shine' worsted, a cotton/modal blend.

Ch-ch-changes

Changes can be difficult in any family.  I think it's part of the human condition, to sometimes prefer being in the comfortable rut to which we're accustomed, rather than facing the strange or the unknown and getting used to something different.

Only the really big changes matter, right?  No; in fact, I've written before about some of the particular troubles we've had in our family and the stresses we've had with 'little things' like changing furniture arrangements, sitting in a different position at the dining table, getting a new pair of shoes... Just imagine the difficulty in some of the bigger changes like Mom and Dad becoming grandparents!  We're working on another big change, but taking it slow - I'm starting the process of going back to work.

I mentioned this in a post a month ago, and weather delays notwithstanding, we're finally about to hit the launch button.  Even though I'll be working during school hours, Boyo is aware that I won't be at home and this causes some anxiety.  Now that both kids are in middle school, we've been experimenting with leaving them home, either separately or together, for as much as a couple hours at a time.  I'm glad we started when we did, knowing this time would come eventually, and it will be really important by the time school is out for the summer.  It will only be a few hours one or two days a week, but the kids will have to be well used to it by then and know it's part of the family routine.

Another change is happening next week, too: Dearest is starting a new schedule. This isn't completely unusual; his schedule could potentially change every four months, but it often does not, and he ends up with the same routes for another rotation.  This time, his schedule change means a disruption of what the kids have been accustomed to for the last eight months and will require some adjustments in dinner times and transportation to lessons and classes.

Changes are opportunities for learning and for teaching.  Change, whether it's good or bad, gives us an opportunity to be flexible and experience growth.  Seems to have worked out all right for David Bowie...

One of the things I like best about this video is the very talented Gail Ann Dorsey is playing bass, and Dearest and I saw her when she played with The B-52s during the 2010 Summer Concert Series at Chateau Ste-Michelle.