Plugged in...

I tried in vain to resist immersing the two younger kids in unnecessary electronics and technology.  I just kept thinking about traveling with the two older kids and how they would play word games, or look out the window, or actually have conversations with us or each other.  I think I finally gave up and got our first portable DVD player when Boyo was about five, and we were on the verge of refusing to go anywhere more than about 10 miles from home – about as much car trip as he could handle without pushing Girlie to meltdown point, and Dearest and I to the limits of our tolerance.  Occasionally he’d work himself up to being carsick.  Sometimes he even gets too agitated out of a sense of competition when we play ‘I Spy’ for random things we might see along the way!

Of course we don’t know exactly what’s going on in his head, but traveling makes him anxious anyway, and I think seeing all the visual input outside our van is overwhelming.  It’s nice when we can point out something – he loves spotting unusual birds or deer, for instance – but then he can go right back to watching the movie or playing his game and not think about the trip.  Girlie doesn’t have any real difficulties with travel, for the most part, and she’s just as happy to read a book if we’re traveling in daylight.  In fact, it’s only been recently they’ve stopped asking me to read aloud; I read “Kildee House” (Rutherford G. Montgomery, 1949) on the way home from Sacramento in 2009 – about 11 hours of reading with a couple short breaks – and didn’t want to speak for several days afterward.  But what great memories we all have of that trip!

From what I understand, it's common for kids with similar challenges to use games, movies, or mp3 players to help stay calm.  I admit it was a hard thing to come to terms with, maybe especially because I’m an older parent and we didn’t need any of these newfangled things back in my day!  :-) I think when we use the tools carefully, they have their place and serve a great purpose.  During our trips we ‘check in’ with the kids; ask them to pause, have a bit of conversation, point out a landmark or two, answer their questions about where we are and how much longer the trip will last, and then let them get back to being plugged in.  As for me, if I’m not knitting, I’ll just read a book… lemme just make sure it’s fully charged...

My nook color - which I love - in a knitted and felted cover I made, using the framework of a hardback book with about half the pages removed.  

Beginnings.

Recently, Girlie had her three-year academic re-evaluation and her Individualized Education Program (IEP) was updated at the same time.  There are only two people on her team who’ve been with her since the beginning (10 years, including preschool!): myself and her occupational therapist (who, incidentally, happens to have become a great friend and knitting buddy).  Sometimes during these meetings the OT and I talk about how much progress Girlie has made, and tell stories about past behaviors and challenges.  These anecdotes can be quite surprising to teachers and staff who may have only known Girlie for a few months, or maybe a year.  I think it’s good for them to have some perspective, and maybe help them see Girlie with a more realistic sense of her accomplishments.  I honestly believe there have been teachers who’ve gained respect for her after hearing some of the old tales.

The result of the meeting was quite satisfactory and Girlie will start the new year with what we think will be a less stressful schedule for her, and include a little more help in organizing her school work.  Now if we can just get Boyo to buy in to some of the methods we know will work… it can be so difficult for him to let go of the ODD behavior (even if it sounds like a good idea, it’s coming from parents and must. be. opposed), and his anxiety works against him here because he can be very fearful of change.

So - beginnings, fresh starts, new things, organization: must be talking about the New Year!  I don’t make resolutions because I recognize that, for me, it is likely I will get carried away with a new item/activity/method and then let it slide as soon as the novelty wears off.  True story.  However, I did start walking a couple years ago, and because I have chronic injuries and an autoimmune inflammatory disorder, walking is a great and very ‘do-able’ exercise for me. Family and friends know that knitting is about the only way I can tolerate the treadmill tedium, and due to an injury to both ankles a couple years ago I’m better off walking on the treadmill than on the uneven rural roads where we live.  So, I knit easy things and listen to an audio book while I walk.  Things like dishcloths, washcloths, handwarmers, hats, and the like are perfect projects and I think there are still a few family members who can use an item or two on that list!

Simple handwarmers, perfect for knitting while
on the treadmill, and wearing when I walk outside!

I wish for you that 2012 will be a year of finding wellness in whatever aspect of your life it's needed most!

The End

We all say it:  I can't believe the year is over; where did the time go?  Nobody ever answers, though.  Where did the time go?

Boyo had only started ballet in the last quarter of 2010.  Now he's had more than a year of it, with many performances, and is still focused and intent.  We've had ups and downs with behavior and some issues in school, but I'm happy to say we are ending the year on the 'up' side.  We're still riding the wave of 'The Nutcracker'-induced good behavior (which we think is due to the effect of performance demands and being surrounded by a positive atmosphere of kind, helpful people) and it seems to have pushed him into the next phase of maturity.  We hope.  There also appears to have been another advance in Boyo's musical ability, as well; almost as if he is appreciating that what he is playing is music, and listening for mistakes and improvements.

Anyone remember the old Virginia Slims ads?  Girlie really has come a long way, Baby.  She has begun to advocate for herself and articulate what she thinks her needs are, as well as negotiating food choices and making compromises toward good nutrition.  She is doing consistently well in school with fewer accommodations, and has begun doing homework independently; occasionally with little or no supervision. Last spring Girlie officially became a puppy raiser for Guide Dogs of America and has grown a lot in regard to learning responsibility, both for herself and the dog she is raising.

Both kids have gone entire days without getting into serious, screaming conflict with each other.  This is the first time I feel comfortable putting that down in black and white.  In the past few months I have witnessed them playing a game cooperatively on more than one occasion.  Admittedly, I'm listening for signs of tension mounting so if necessary I can interrupt with a reasonable excuse to stop the game before it degrades, but hearing them laughing together is a miracle I despaired of ever happening.

Dearest and I are pleased and surprised with all the progress made, and happy for some of the differences made in our lives as a couple.  We occasionally have uninterrupted conversations while the kids are awake. We feel there is plenty to celebrate, in spite of all the rough times we've had.

My New Year wish to family and friends is that you find something to celebrate in life.  Such a simple little wish that may require maximum effort, at times - but we can do it if we remain strong.  And when you find that thing that's worth celebrating, especially if it's in the midst of a mess, or a heartache, or a tragedy, revel in it.  Do a little dance.  Happy New Year!

Tiny little sweater, knitted for fun, on a 6" artist's model.

Handing over the reins...

It can't be helped, and I believe it's common in most families: one parent tends to be 'in charge'.  In our family, that's my role, and Dearest is a great supporter.  Recently, we realized that things had gotten a bit out of proportion, so that even if he was sitting right next to the kids, they'd come to me in a different room to ask a question.  That's not fair to Dearest.  It's also not practical, because not only am I taking on a lot more of the mental workload, it would leave the family in a difficult place if I had an unplanned absence.

We realized that Dearest needs to know more about the daily operations - how things work, and where to find the answers.  It isn't that I was keeping him out of the loop; just that neither of us particularly felt up to the job of getting him into the loop.  As much as possible, considering he works full time, he's taking the kids to some of their classes or lessons, going to any parent meetings that work with his schedule, and just generally bringing himself up to speed.

Dearest is a wonderful parent, and today is one of those days when he sends me off to have a good time while he handles everything at home.  I have to admit, since I'm so used to sitting in the driver's seat, it can be hard to hand over the reins, but it's a welcome break for everyone.  Dearest will handle a doctor appointment for both kids, and I'm not going to worry about what anyone wears or what their hair looks like in public.  I'm not going to give any advice about whether they should have fast food, and the kids can advocate for themselves.  I'm off for the day with my oldest daughter and grandkids to see out-of-town friends and family - a visit long overdue!

Sock monkey modeling the Twinkle Vintage Cardigan knitted
for a grandbaby with KnitPicks 'Stroll' and 'Imagination' sock yarn.

Moms are braver than Dads...

OK, I don’t know if that’s really true, but think about it: when parents start leaving the kids home alone, it’s usually the mom who knows what the kids might really get into.  Dads just go along with it; “They’ll be fine, quit worrying.”  Sure, that’s easy for you to say.

None of what I just said takes single- or same-sex parenting into account, and I apologize for that, but I can only write what I know.  And this Mom is definitely braver than Dad in many respects.  I’m the one who found the burned matches in the garbage.  It was me who noticed the kid cutting paper on the floor with nothing between the scissors and the carpet.  If I hadn’t made one last check, the gate to the dog yard would have been ajar (which wouldn’t be that big a deal if not for the fact that Girlie is raising a puppy for Guide Dogs of America). 

Does this mean we’ll never leave the kids home alone?  No, in fact, it means the kids have to realize we understand there is a risk but we believe in their ability to make good choices.  Truly, I think knowing all of these things and realizing the dreadful potential – but still being willing to start leaving the kids home alone – takes bravery.  And faith.  And a good knitting project to work on in the car to take my mind off what better not be happening at home.

Washcloth in Jarbo Soft Cotton using a 'broken rib' stitch pattern.

I like knitted cotton cloths for scrubbing counter- and stove-tops, and knitted washcloths in finer cotton.  I just knit a square of whatever stitch pattern suits me at the time and doesn’t require a lot of attention, so that makes them perfect projects while traveling.  Now that I think about it, the fact that Dearest lets me sit next to him in the car with pointy sticks makes him pretty brave, too.  :-)

A True Thing...

I am an introvert.  There, I said it – and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit it.  Being an introvert does not mean I’m inadequate or weak.  I’ve only really known this fact for the last several years, and it was quite a relief to see that people understand introversion and extroversion; that folks have written about it, and there are lots of people out there like me.  I felt validated.  Does that mean I never want to go out and be social?  No, in fact I like to go to family gatherings or out shopping – the same things other people like to do – but I’ve learned to plan time for recharging my emotional batteries so as not to become exhausted.

Aside from the social challenges that can go with Asperger’s, I think Girlie is an introvert, too.  She is happy to stay in the car with a book rather than go into the store, most days – even though she does like shopping.  If we’ve been out and about, she wants to spend some time drawing, coloring, or reading when we get home, and I think that’s her ‘recharge’ time.

In spite of his anxiety issues, Boyo is an extrovert.  He thrives especially on what I think of as almost overwhelming chaos that happens during The Nutcracker season.  He actually seems calmer and more sure of himself, his attitude is more positive, and he tends to be kinder and more thoughtful of others when he’s been surrounded by dozens of other hard-working dancers.

It occurred to me recently that raising kids with challenges might be a bit easier for an extrovert; someone less likely to get worn out with what can seem like endless explanations and appointments.  Honestly, knitting is a big help, here!  My knitting goes everywhere with me, and it’s like portable meditation; a way to re-center myself in the midst of whatever is going on around me.  It has become a bit of a joke in my family, so there are photos of me knitting in some rather odd circumstances – like during a helicopter tour over Cannon Beach, Oregon, and in the middle of a honeybee swarm.  Maybe this was when I realized that knitting is my zzzzzzzzzzen.      :-)

You can see the sky is filled with bees, and the spots you see on me are
actually bee shadows. I was never in any danger, because honeybees
are not aggressive when they are swarming to find a new hive. It was a
bit disconcerting to feel them occasionally bouncing off  me, though!  

Keepin' it real...

Whew – we made it through Christmas!  Yes, I really was that concerned.  Friday we went to the library to get the kids their own cards.  They filled out the applications themselves at home first, and after turning them in we browsed the shelves while waiting for the cards.  Boyo didn’t want a book, but Girlie found one she was interested in.  All pretty straightforward and expected, right?  No; in fact, everything was fine until we got to the counter and Girlie suddenly changed her mind and said she didn’t want the book, and was beginning to raise her voice and on the verge of tears - I could tell she was getting worked up enough to lose whatever public composure she had.  We walked back to the shelf to replace the book, picked up the cards, the kids signed them, and we left.  When I asked Girlie what was going on she never gave me a clear answer – I still don’t know what happened.  Anyway, I re-explained the whole process; that if she didn’t want to use the kiosk she could give the book and card to a librarian, and any one of the employees are more than happy to answer her questions if she needs help.  We’ll see what happens next time.

We had a pretty tense morning on Christmas Eve because an express mail delivery came fairly early in the morning, setting the dogs all barking.  We don’t get many people coming to the door so hearing a stranger’s voice and the dogs barking was enough to set things off, I guess.  We walked to Grandma’s house and several cousins showed up at the same time, but we got through that better than expected and the rest of the day was relatively uneventful.

Now we’re in ‘vacation mode’ because Dearest took the whole week off.  I’m torn between feeling like I wish I had a cabin to myself for a few days, and really wanting to spend extra time with Dearest without the kids – neither of which is possible, but a girl can dream…  The most important thing is not to let anyone sleep in too long and keep sticking close to regular bedtimes, because Back-to-School-Tuesday will come before we know it.  It’s complicated, because Dearest and I both have things we want to do around the house since there is nothing scheduled and nowhere we have to be, and we tend to forget about such mundane things as mealtimes.

Staying in the usual routine as much as possible, even under what can be extreme circumstances surrounding a holiday or vacation, can be difficult.  Anything can set off a meltdown or anxiety, and there are no guarantees whether we can recover and get back on track, or have to push ‘reset’ on whatever we had planned.  This is what I mean by ‘keepin’ it real’.

I don't crochet very much any more, but it's fun to do a fast, simple project now and then.  I don’t know if we’ll get any of the real ‘white stuff’, so I’ll take what I can get - no shoveling required!  

Crocheted 'Snowflake No. 11' from Crocheted Snowflakes by Mary Thomas