I is for...

Incredible.

In-cred’-i-ble: 

1) too extraordinary and improbable to be believed 

2) amazing, extraordinary

Our experiences raising children with challenges have been incredible.  Read the definitions carefully, and use your imagination.  This word can encompass the horror one might feel to witness an eighteen-month-old whose tantrums are so violent his forehead has bloody scabs from banging it repeatedly against a wall.  The mortification when hearing an enraged three-year-old threaten to kill a family member with scissors and knives.  The frustration with a child who has never, not once, slept through the night. The revulsion upon discovering a five year old can ‘paint’ most of a room with feces.  The heartache when a child is so frustrated and angry she screams that she should just kill herself.

The extraordinary revelation, when hope is nearly gone, that there is still hope.  The amazing moments that we hold onto with every bit of strength we can muster to get through those bleak, dark times.

Smiling through my tears at the picture drawn of Mommy with ‘your hair, your eyes, your mouth, and your kiss that I gave you.’  Listening incredulously to a child who can’t remember how to read when the page is turned (because the words are not in the same context), have a breakthrough and suddenly begin reading fluently, page after page, while sitting on a stool in the kitchen reading aloud to Mommy.  Proudly watching a kindergartener play a lively, ‘two-hand’ piece of piano music at the kindergarten talent show.  Realizing the footsteps running through the house at night are going back the way they came, and the child has put himself back to bed for the first time in six years.  Witnessing a girl who has never gotten up willingly in the morning, now getting up independently at 5:00 a.m. – in the dark – to take the puppy out.  Being complimented about a boy who is focused and intent on ballet.

Do we ever really let our guard down?  No.  In fact, we had a gut-wrenching breakdown just last week.  But we didn’t feel hopeless; only tired and, for a while, a bit sad.  We know, now, that every ‘incredible’ experience we go through gives us a lesson from which to learn or a gift for our hearts to treasure.

Knitting has been an incredible tool for me, and Dearest has noticed I have an increased capacity to deal with our experiences more calmly since I started knitting.  There isn’t anything very incredible about my knitting in and of itself, though – certainly not in comparison to this!

This is an extraordinary art installation by Ben Cuevas, and you can see more amazing photos and read about it here.

H is for...

Hush.

I talk too much.  I’m working on changing that, but it's been this way for as long as I can remember.  I want there to be a full explanation, a complete answer, for everything.

When I was little, it seemed no one had the time or the inclination to answer my questions with much besides, “Because.”  I’m pretty sure I did my older kids a disservice by answering their questions ad nauseam, but that did have an amusing result at least once: their stepmother reported a conversation in the backseat when the kids were four and six years old that involved detailed differences between evergreen and deciduous trees.  In most cases, though, I just went on and on – taking away from them the opportunity to investigate and discover.  Fortunately, I wasn’t the only person parenting them, and they had plenty of folks, like Dearest, who would counter their questions with, “What do you think?”

More and more we have the ability to find answers instantly, because someone else has already done the research, already done the investigation, already done the work.  It isn’t much of a challenge to look up anything imaginable and get a fairly accurate hit on the first try.  Do I think we should discourage the kids from going to the internet for their answers?  No, in fact I think it’s better than going to Mom, asking the question, and getting an answer with no effort at all.  At least, when one looks up something on the internet, one has to phrase the search term in a way that will generate relevant answers.  One has to think.  In this house we still have plenty of books, too, and we use them frequently; especially to look up birds, trees, and bugs.

If asking questions is the best way to learn, then giving easy answers will take away part of the process, and eliminate the need to put forth any effort.  Pretty soon we might end up with children who haven’t learned how to learn.  Sometimes, the best answer is an expectant silence, and I should just hush.

My favorite time to knit is in the evening after everyone has gone to bed.  I don’t have the television on, or music.  Sometimes I listen to an audio book, but usually I just knit in the hush of a sleepy house.  One of my favorite things I’ve completed recently is a sleepy bunny for my newest grandson’s first Christmas.  Shhhh… it’s a secret...  :-)

Schaefer Yarn Company free pattern here

G is for...

Grandchildren

My first grandchild was born when the two youngest kids were 8 and 6.  The very first problem we experienced was the anxiety that manifested when a kiddo decided that since I became a grandma it must mean I am very old and, therefore, soon to die.  Not so far-fetched, in his mind, because my children lost two grandparents within a few months; but they'd been in their seventies and eighties.  That one took a little extra help from our counselor, but it finally got sorted.  Mostly.  He hardly ever asks if Dad or I will die soon.

Counter to everything I imagined, Girlie showed very little interest in the new baby.  It shouldn’t have been such a surprise; after all, she had absolutely no interest in dolls, either.  Still, there were those expectations, again!

Fast forward a few years: surprises are in store when you spend time with neurotypical toddlers and preschoolers after having such an intense time with challenged children!  Some of those surprises were for Dearest, who had very little experience with small children, other than our own two; but most have been for me. 

A particularly poignant example was when my oldest daughter had an emergency and asked me to watch her 3 ½ year old.  I was sorry to tell her I couldn’t; it was the day of Boyo’s birthday celebration at school and I was taking treats to his class.  Almost as soon as I hung up the phone, I had a startling realization: I could take Madee with me, and she could help pass out napkins to Boyo’s classmates.  Doesn’t that sound simple?  Shouldn’t that have been my first thought?  No, in fact, my first thought was that it would be impossible to take a 3-year-old into a situation like that without expecting disaster, because that’s how it would have been when Girlie and Boyo were three; Girlie would not have been physically capable of passing out napkins and instead been screaming and trying to take ice cream away from 4^th graders.  Boyo would have run away unless a large and immovable guard was posted at the door. 

I called Carey right back and explained my faulty reasoning, and that I’d be happy to take Madee with me.  She felt like such a big girl passing out the napkins, and Boyo felt proud to show off being an uncle to his classmates.  That was a pivotal day for me.  Making assumptions about a child’s behavior based on a different child’s behavior – whether one expects the child to be higher functioning or lower functioning than his or her ability – is limiting to everyone involved.

On to knitting!  I’m lucky to have 'littles' living so close – grandchild number five was born a month ago and has been dressed in handknits from both his mama and I right from the very start.  Here is a photo worth much more than a thousand words.  ♥

Thanks for the photo, Rhondi!

F is for...

Flexibility.

flex-i-ble  3. willing or disposed to yield; pliable: a flexible personality.

Flexibility as a quality is difficult to teach. It’s a concept, not a touchable, tangible thing. It’s also absolutely critical to instill in kids with challenges.

The way we describe flexibility is ‘being OK when something unexpected happens.’  Because if one isn’t OK when something unexpected happens – if one isn’t flexible – something is going to break.

Over the years, we have had tragedy strike over things that most families would take for granted.  We have had sobbing-screaming-swearing meltdowns lasting hours over a change in furniture arrangement.  Someone else’s breakfast getting cold.  Deciding on an artificial Christmas tree rather than a real one.  Having to sit at a different place at the dinner table in adjusting for company.  Having to use a different spoon.  These examples are a very small sample; I could go on, but will spare you, in case you are cringing as I am just thinking about this. 

Rigid, inflexible thinking is a problem for both kids, and the last breakdown wasn’t that long ago.  We’re getting better at talking about being flexible.  We can say, for example, “Remember, if the cafeteria is out of pizza, you can be OK with having a chicken sandwich,” or, "If we get home too late to watch the show we can check to see when that episode will be on again."  When we hear an exchange like, “I really wanted fish sticks for dinner but I can wait until tomorrow,” or, “I want to watch Redwall but you already said Mythbusters, so I can be OK with that,” we are very quick to compliment the child on his/her flexibility.  Really, we draw it to the attention of everyone in the room with positive affirmation – ‘Way to be flexible!  Thanks very much, that’s great cooperation!’ and so on.

Is it only the kids in this family that have difficulty being flexible?  No, in fact, I find myself doing little surveys in my head fairly often these days about whether I can be more flexible in my interactions with the kids!  Thankfully I find I can, quite often.  With a few exceptions, it doesn’t really matter what the kids wear, as long as it fits within safety/modesty/school rule guidelines.  You may think it’s no big deal, but in this family, allowing them to choose what they wear means sometimes I have to be OK if the same clothes are worn for two days and two nights.  It’s hard to know what an anxious child needs to ‘be OK’, and sometimes not changing clothes is going to make the difference between feeling fairly secure and feeling as if one might shatter into a million pieces. 

There are many ways I can tie flexibility in knitting, but I’ll go with one that involves what we are taught.  Every pattern gives the recommended gauge, and all knitters know the phrase “To save time, take time to check gauge”.  It means you’re supposed to knit a little swatch to ensure you’re getting the same number of stitches per inch and rows per inch as written in the pattern.  Gauge is one of the first things we’re taught when we learn to knit – it is not necessarily one of the first things we learn, though.

 

We knit happily away on projects for which, really, the exact gauge doesn’t matter.  It’s not too important that a scarf isn’t the same dimensions as stated in the pattern, or a dishcloth, or a shawl.  It’s critical in a garment, though, and even if one is using the same yarn and needle size as in the pattern, any individual will certainly knit a bit more tightly or loosely than the pattern designer.  These socks were knitted with yarn I bought at one of my first trips to a ‘real’ yarn store.  It’s called Zauberball Crazy and I love the way the colors are plied together.  It’s impossible to knit an identical pair of socks!  This was the first time I had knitted any kind of design in the socks, too, so I was feeling pretty proud of myself!  Too bad they didn’t fit me.  They ended up being just about a size too small, but my niece said she loved them and would be happy to have them.

Twists and Ribs socks on blockers I made from a tutorial! 

For this reason, one has to be flexible.  If size matters, gauge matters – even if it means using needles two or three sizes different than what the pattern calls for.  I learned my lesson, and Sarah loves her socks.  I can be OK with that.

E is for...

Expectations.

Mine are usually out of proportion.  I believe one's response to a given situation can be, to some extent, pre-determined by one's expectations.  It's amazing to me that I can still be surprised when something doesn't turn out the way I expect, in spite of the fact that it didn't work the previous umpteen times.  I tell myself it's because I'm an optimist.  :-)

One of the most helpful things we've learned in teaching social skills is to think in terms of 'expected' behavior.  Not 'normal', not 'appropriate'.  Those words imply judgement; that if one is not normal or appropriate, one must be bad.  If we tell a child his or her behavior is 'unexpected', it simply means that it came as a surprise.  Bursting into tears at the dinner table is pretty unexpected, especially if we've been telling a kid forever that some form of fruit or vegetable has to be consumed at dinner.

We can tell a child what behaviors are expected based on age or situation: a thirteen year old is expected to brush her hair independently, and an eleven year old is expected to remember that, if food was just served out of a boiling pot, it will be hot.  Both of those things are usually understood by much younger children, but Girlie is just recently able to brush her hair independently, and Boyo doesn't burn his mouth most days.  Putting the desired behavior in terms of what is expected, along with repetition, has been an effective, non-judgmental way of teaching the kids better social and life skills.  Does this mean the vegetables on our dinner table will magically be met without derision or resistance?  No, in fact, that would be the most unexpected event of all!

We all have expectations, and it's no different in knitting.  Like I said, though, sometimes our expectations are unreasonable based on assumptions, misinformation, or... um... ignorance.  I planned carefully for a cardigan that I'd been wanting to knit for some time: Mr. Greenjeans by Amy Swenson.  It's a very well-written pattern and nearly two thousand projects had already been finished on Ravelry by the time I felt my skills were up to it.  I researched my yarn choice and got lucky last year in KnitPicks Cyber Monday sale; a sweater quantity of Swish superwash merino for less than $25!

It took six months to the day to knit my sweater (but it wasn't a very portable project, so I was knitting plenty of other things at the same time).  My modifications worked perfectly and the sweater fit exactly the way I wanted.  I was so proud!  After soaking it carefully and pressing it in towels, I arranged it on a drying screen.  It was the first thing I thought of on waking the next morning - imagine my shock and surprise to discover the 3/4 length sleeves I'd knitted now came well past my fingers, and the body length was below my hips!  Almost a paper bag moment: OK, breathe... 

This was the first time I'd knitted with 'superwash' wool, which means it's meant to be machine washable and often, dryable.  The yarn is treated to remove the microscopic scales along the fibers, which keeps the yarn from felting together and shrinking; I knew that, but was unaware it has the opposite effect, and grows out of control when it gets wet.  I figured at this point the sweater was useless to me, so it couldn't hurt to throw it in the dryer, right?  After about 20 minutes on low heat I pulled the sweater out and put it on - clearly, a miracle had happened in the dryer.  Beyond all my expectations, the sweater fit perfectly.

D is for...

Dam.

I’ve lived near flood prone areas of the Pacific Northwest all my adult life.  Folks here know the areas most likely to have high water, they know when they’ll have to use alternate routes, they know where to get sandbags and where to put them, and they know when they've done all they can.  They know when to get out of the way.  The water will crest, begin to recede, and clean-up efforts can start.

In the family emotional dam we try to keep a balance; a stability so there is no undue pressure going in any one direction.  When the barriers begin to break down the damage control starts immediately, but sometimes emotions escalate, behavior gets out of control, and pretty soon we’re surrounded by the wreckage.  It’s ugly and exhausting.

It’s hard work to identify weak areas and the influences most likely to start the leaks trickling.  Do we always see it coming?  No; in fact, although sometimes one can recognize a pattern, and learn to avoid situations and events that are consistently problematic, other times it feels like a flash flood.

Eventually we discovered ‘sandbags’ we could use if it seemed the water was rising: a change of scenery or activity (we used to put Girlie in a warm bath and it was like pushing a reset button!), a drink or snack.  Sometimes it becomes clear we’ve done all we can – time to get out of the way and let the dam burst and the flood happen.  It’ll be over, and then we can talk while we clean up.  The damage is limited to the kids’ bedrooms nowadays, and physical violence (one kid was more likely to have done self-harm and one was more likely to turn on me) has become rare.

As the kids get older, they become more self aware and able to articulate their feelings.  That takes work, and energy, and effort, for all concerned.  It isn’t quite a job for the Army Corps of Engineers, but we’ve had a lot of help shoring up the dikes and levees, learning the best methods to plug the holes.  We talk, one-to-one and as a family, about what might have caused a ‘trickle’, and what we could do next time to stop it.  Both kids are starting to understand their need for de-escalation, if things haven’t degraded too much, and can initiate an activity, sometimes even preceded by verbalizing the need!  Coloring or drawing, reading, or listening to audio books are some of the ways they calm themselves.  Video games work pretty well for Girlie; she tends not to become over stimulated like Boyo does (in his case, too much screen time is a guarantee of problems for everyone in the very near future).  Our family relies heavily on LEGOs and the sound of little bricks being sorted and scraped across the floor in piles is a familiar noise from both their rooms.

You may not associate knitting with dams, but you can sure tell when one bursts in my craft room.  There could be half a dozen projects on the needles, and in a particularly stressful time I might start two or three in one sitting, until I find the right combination of needles, yarn, and pattern that will knit some calm back into my cloudy skies.  Knit one, purl one… ahhhh…

Scrappy Shawl - Weaver's Wool Mini Shawl Pattern

C is for...

Confidentiality.

My professional training is in medical transcription and medical records.  Dearest and I began providing foster care in 1999.  For a while, I was a substitute paraeducator in our school district.  I understand confidentiality on every level.

I also realize that, if I’m to do any good by writing publicly, I have to be prepared to let you see the inner workings, the confidential stories, the hard truths.  Boyo just looked over my shoulder in passing and said, “Confidentiality.  Only for specific people.”  Yes, and the ‘specific people’ I have in mind are those who might find a moment of recognition in what I write.

Families handle the issue of adoption in whatever way works best for them.  In our family, it’s never been a secret.  Both children know they were adopted.  We started when they were very young, telling them some women can be mothers but not have babies, and some women can have babies but not be mothers.  Both kids know they have challenges that are not their fault.  (In the case of our son who was prenatally exposed to methamphetamine, we’ve told them that his biological mother’s mistake was not maliciously intended to harm the baby she was carrying.)  

Boyo isn’t quite as forthcoming in talking about his challenges, but Girlie has begun to advocate for herself and talk about having Asperger’s Syndrome.  She recognizes that she is giving personal information, but also that she has learned a lot and may be able to help others.  She has taken social skills classes for a few years, and has begun to accept advice from a couple helpful girls at her middle school about grooming and wardrobe.  Dressing the way they suggest isn’t necessarily her first choice, but she recognizes their advice may help her fit in better.  She has begun to understand what some of her challenges are and talk to teachers on her own about ways to meet them.  Upon learning a cousin was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and being asked if she has any advice, she said, “Please tell him I have it, and it’s OK even though the word sounds inappropriate because it starts with ‘Ass.’”

How can I possibly tie confidentiality in with knitting?  I can’t tell you; it’s a secret.  No, in fact, one of the best things about knitting and most fibers arts is that there are very few secrets because folks want to share what they know.  On Ravelry there are thousands of free knitting patterns, ranging from very simple to complicated, intricate designs.  I understand why they aren’t all free - it takes a lot of time and effort to produce professionally written patterns, and someone has to pay to get those beautiful books published, after all – but I have an appreciation for the designers, both amateur and professional, who are willing to share their work for free.  Because I’ve gotten so much help from so many people, I hoped to pay it back a little by putting my simple ideas out there, too.  Click on the photos for a .pdf of the patterns.  J

With a Twist handwarmers

Duchess legwarmers

Deckle scarf